ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod

ohmyfuckinggodiate1590caloriestodayiate1590caloriestoday I ATE 1590 CALORIES TODAY I AM FUCKING GROSS WHAT DO I DO CULAVISTA PLEASE HAVE AN EXERCISE ROOM. OH MY FUCKING GOD. AND WHEN I AM DONE YELLING AT MYSELF I PLAN ON EATING ICE CREAM. I AM FUCKING GROSSSS!!!! I WILL NOT BE EATING WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, OR FRIDAY! MUST FAST!

BAD GIRL FAILURE FAT
NEVER EATING AT A RESTAURANT AGAIN
DAMN OLIVE GARDEN DAMN IT!

If I can't find a way, I'll make one

today i found a dozen of roses with a card on the back of my car with a card. It said "I am sorry for what I did." I can't really imagine he truly knows what it is he did to hurt me.

On a brighter note, I made $90 in tips today. Less happy, I most likely ate that amount or more in calories. I munched on 1 chocolate, 2 penne noodles, a few chips, and a few fries. Ugh, i can't believe I lost control like that. I need to shape up at work. Munching is unacceptable.

Do not be too disappointed at me. I plan on jogging in place for 15 minutes (which supposedly burns 107 calories? Doubtful) And do 30 squats. Then, I will lay down happily with HUNGER, the book i picked up from the library today. its good so far. tomorrow, nothing besides H2O is touching my lips. I am off work that day, so it should be simple. I am going to do a little shopping and that involves some walking so all in all, it should be a successful day.

Now, when should I weigh myself? I am scared to. I feel so fat and like I haven't lost any weight. The numbers scare me. I can't deny that there is no better time to weigh myself than the first of the year. Yes, that is what I will do and I promise you ladies I will be 97 pounds.

I was thinking that instead of a weight for an ultimate goal, I would do a BMI. Ultimately, I want to be 88 pounds. Thats for now though. Let's see how I look.

After all, I love baggy size zeros.

GOAL:
Fast Tuesday []
Drink 4 bottles of water []
Fast Wednesday []
Drink 5 bottles of water []

Strive for something better--strive for perfection

My second blog today-- not unusual for me. I was proud that I did not let a single morsel pass through my lips at work today, which sucked by the way. Work always sucks.

I drank to kids cups of water and two of diet pepsi with lemon. Really darlings, add a lemon to anything, it tastes wonderful! I am finishing a bottle of water now. When I got home, dinner was out. I didnt eat that, but I did have some dirt cake. Not much, but enough to make me feel guilty. I am hungry now, and tired. I am never tired before midnight so I know my body is weakened from the lack of food. The elation will follow soon.

Unfortunately, I made plans with a friend I normally do not talk to, or see, but we do need to have our mini christmas together and I suggested coffee, or lunch. Really, she is probably broke and I can convince her to just have it at her house. I feel better with that out of the way.

For a minute, I thought I might have to consume a few calories. I am going on a vaction January 4-6 and cannot wait. I want to be around 94 pounds by the time I leave. I am sure the hotel room is equipped with an exercise room and any unwanted and necessary calories consumed can be burned away. The hotel is all-inclusive.

Basically, I have consumed fewer than 100 calories today which I suppose is good. I was aiming for 000. Tomorrow morning, I am driving to the library to pick up my book, Hunger, by Jackie Kessler. It as an allegorical story about anorexia and I cannot wait to read it. And it always feels better reading thinspiring books like that on an empty stomach.

Good night ladies.
Stay strong.

Fuck the boyfriend--embrace Ana

I won't bore you by going into detail about the monstrosities in my life. It isn't glamorous and I am not one you'd want to idolize,except in my weight conquers. I am not here to complain about my life I am here to escape from it.

That's why I've created an alternate, more beautiful world for me to live in.

The holidays sucked and I wont wastw time heaping guilt onto myself. We all know whose fault it is. I can only pass over this part because I feel so committed to the future. I am not eating today, or tomorrow for that matter, and I don't work Tuesday so hell, I may not eat that day either.

I work today. Picked up a shift. I may as well have. Even though I work 6 days this week already. I serve in a restaurant and I'm around food all day. Sometimes it's difficult to avoid eating. Often times, I didn't care. But now I walk in there A.proud that I'm skinny and B. able to resist that food while all around me guests are eating like its their last supper.

I imagine I should be around 97-98 pounds on Wednesday. If their is one thing I have never been good at, it would be estimating the amount of weight I can lose within a specific time frame. I always guess high. Maybe that is hindering me in the long run.

Happy starving ladies! Enjoy your Sunday, which I know for many of you is a fasting day.
Xoxo

Wannarexics

I remember a time in fourth grade that we were all weighed during gym class. I weighed in around 64 pounds whicg was rather small looking back. I remember my friend weighed in a pound or two less. Again, in retrospect, the girl was taller. But the jealousy that coursed through me!

That is the earliest recollection I have of my weight consciousness. Throughout my middle school years, I never ate lunch. I was embarrassed about having a brown bag while everyone bought there food, yet I do not remember the slightest inclination to eat their food. I remember the gloating I could do while they inhaled their food and knowing I would not eat for another few hours. The power I had!

I have always been the skinny one, the toothpick, the one everyone wished ate more.

I remember while I was a freshman in high-school, 15 years old, and I decided point blank that I would not eat ever again. And since then I've battled my way down from 98-93 and back up again. Disgustingly, I am at a high of 99 but I don't expect that number to reign supreme. I plateaued 1 pound away from my goal of 92 and relapsed from there. I have never out grown my 00-0 jeans but then again I do not wish to. How I live is my choice. How you perceive me is yours. I cannot bother myself with trifling name calling of "wannarexics." That term has not been aimed towards me at any given time but it is impolite to aim at anyone else all the same.

I do not have a problem. I am merely seeking a temporary means to a permanent solution. I have desires and aspirations. Who are you to tell me otherwise?
Much love beauties
Xoxo

im sorry ana

No matter how hard I try it is never enough. Another failure today. I fasted for 46 hours until my body protested & collapsed. I will stand up I will try again. If only she'd stop screaming in my ear! I'm trying Ana! Damn it I'm trying! Nothing I do is enough! Tonight kicks off another fast a short one, only around 40 hours. I can handle that can't I? You better bitch. Stop yelling at me! Her voice is always quick to judge after I have eaten even the smallest morsel. I will make her proud! I cannot bear to weigh myself yet. 100 pounds? 98? 105? Or, god forbid 96? If only.
If only Ana
If only.

Ketosis

I have been experimenting with ketosis which is a stage your body enters during starvation, around 3 days of fasting. I recommend that any girl who is the fasting type research this term. Its very useful.

On that note, I was able to fast for 38 hours before I cheated. I had some cheesy chips & cereal. Believe me, I had to endure the guilt all night. it hasn't even been 24 hours since then so I'm still slightly plagued. My goal is 96 hours which is around 4 days. After the 72nd hour, I will be burning straight fat for 24 hours!! I believe I'll have a salad to break the fast otherwise I may go to the show which serves food as well. Also, I find it necessary to do this again the 20th of November approximately 5 days before Thanksgiving & Black Friday & I know I will be eating. Stay strong ladies! I hope I can be a thinspiration to you all!!
Xoxo

Windy in the City

today, i have had one bottle of Diet Pepsi(0) a cup of joe(60) and one graham cracker(150) so 210 calories for the day. Its not that bad I suppose. I actually wanted to fast for 5 days in a row so that I can enter into ketosis buttt my sister has a ham meal planned tomorrow. That is why i am so sad about todays intake. Im keeping a reserve for tomorrow. the good news is that tomorrow i will practice moderation--chewing slowly, eating only a little, guzzling water, or diet soda, and allowing my body to register that it is full before i consume too many calories. with thanksgiving right around the corner, i really need to fast quite often so that i don't fall behind when the day comes. i have a reserve for that day and Black Friday. Thursday I have school all day= fasting. friday i have work=fasting saturday i work= fasting and sunday i am doing a double so most definitely=fasting. that is four days of not eating. on monday, i will eat a salad.

October 21 2010-----approx. 102 pounds

i know... :(

Because skinny jeans weren't meant for fat people--

had an apple for breakfast. for lunch i will drink a bottle of diet pepsi. Dinner... a cup of cofee (60)it is embarrasing when my boyfriend touches me. still going with the hope that we have a house to live in together by November 5th. translation: i have 3 weeks to shed a minimum of 4 pounds. i am continuing my restriction until i get home from work tomorrow, around midnight. if i am feeling weak, then maybe i will order a salad and eat it before work. Nothing besides excessive restricting can cut me down to size. It is sad that 98lbs has now become a milestone/goal for me when it used to be the norm. :( But i know my own strength and i know that i can do this.

I have watched a couple of videos on youtube for thinspo support. they were breathtaking and i only regret that i can't copy and paste the photos. i need more places to search for thinspo besides google and photobucket. i don't kno where to begin or what terms to use.
Suggestions?
Nevertheless, i will remain strong, take those vitamins and race for my milestone.

xoxo

Impatient

Have i mentioned how big my thighs are? if i don't do something soon I am going to have a figure... wait, i am doing something. but its at this time in the journey that i get impatient. It takes time to lose weight. I know this in theory. it doesn't keep me from hoping that one day i still might just wake up skinny as hell. i still cannot breathe properly so a run is out of the question. i swore that i would use the 3 1/2 hour break I have later to do homework but maybe I will just go for a walk in my forest... then i wont want to return to school so maybe i will just walk around campus. regardless, the weight needs to be lost. Yesterday I had an english muffin, a bowl of bland homemade chicken noodle soop, and a bowl of ice cream. I could have nixed the ice cream i suppose..... today, i ate a mini bagel(100). I have already decided that i have reached my intake for today. skinny skinny skinny.

Staying strong

The last traces of a cough still linger in my body. I am getting edgy and excited to renew my endeavours. I can see clearly the weight I've gained. It is embarrassing. I can already feel the pleasure or watching my thighs, my stomach my arms just disappear. I forgot about the THRILL! Tomorrow I begin cutting down. I do not want to reinstate my cough. Perhaps by Friday I can do a fast.
96 pounds here I come

sick

I have had a bad cough for the last few days. Of course I would get sick as soon as I decided to renew my efforts to be thin. I feel ashamed of myself. I belbelieve I have reached 102 pounds. That is a record for me since the last 5 years.
I have not been idle but have been printing pages of thinspo and gluing them to my journal. I am very motivated to begin & can't wait until this cold leaves.
Every 3 months I visit the clinic for my birth control & they always weigh me. My goal is to be 96 pounds for my next visit. That should be sometime in December I believe. It seems such a high number for a long goal but im assuming I will lose 2 pounds a month at least. Anything below 96 is still welcome.

Stay strong ladies!
Oxo

RULE #1: ALWAYS SLEEP ON AN EMPTY STOMACH

Oh girls. how quickly i come and go.
im always here in my desperate times of need.
life is just too difficult and when i dont know what to do, i return here because its the one thing i am sure of.
i have made promises before. justified my negligent behavior but no more!! things are different this time! i swear! i can hardly eat if i wanted to. i am homeless. i sleep on floors and bouncce from one house to another, uncomfortable everywhere.
books are my companion now. books and you girls. what else do i need?
i have begun my new job at applebees.
prayerfully we are in the new house on firday.
august 24 is my first day of school--18 entire credit hours.
i must begin the process to buy a new car.
i am in the midst of many changes. i need a constant variable. hold me accountable.
Now, finally, a solid goal to hold me to...
97 pounds by the time we get into the new house....
it would be sooner except that my scale is packed and I cannot find it.
also, it may raise suspicions if i decide to find a scale and only a scale amid all the rubble. until next time ladies.
much love to you darling ana.
97-97-97-97-97-97-97-97-97-97

been far away for far too long

Ana come back!!

Ladies, keep me here! I need less of the boyfriend and more of this dedication! My absences and weight gains are inexcusable!

No more of that! My goal is not set in stone but instead I shall just keep going. My first weigh in day:when the scale is unpacked at the new house. A couple of weeks.

CW: 104

Triumphant Return

this goes to show that no matter how long we are away from ana, we always make it back.

i have lost everything i care about in life. my heart is crippled. me and michael are over. have been for about 5-6 weeks. two weeks ago i had sex with a man 6 years older than me. he doesn't talk to me anymore... i am transforming into someone i dont recognize.

i type this with acrylic fingernails. i just came home from the tanning salon. im on birth control now. dyed my hair, and just got it trim. appearance has once again become everything to me. i am 96 pounds and i think that as a last item on my TO BE BEAUTIFUL list, i need to drop down to 88. let the world watch me diasappear riht in front of their eyes.

i crave numbness. i hate choking back these tears. i need that weed. it helps me sleep. it makes me, not forget, just not care.

the only thing i ever wanted in life was to be loved. preferably by michael. that is dead and gone. i want that, but i suppose i am better off alone.
thank god, ana is always here for me. no matter what.

i have a long summer ahead of me. i will be looking forward to spending it with her.

sometimes we run away just to see if someone cares enough to follow.

Im running Michael.
Chase me.
In a few months I may slow down. catch me. when i am falling
running
drowning
catch me
im here but not for long.

watch me disappear. catch me before i am to little to be caught before i run through your fingers like sand.
the sands of time are running out.
im here but so is spring.
the pounds are not here. i will not be here forever.
im running michael. catch me.
Before I self destruct.

aLice in Wonderland

Where have I been? Too much to write but I'm back. Still strong and getting stronger. I'm ignoring the scale. Only physical evidence counts not numbers. Those pants will fit,the worry will increase in others forehead, compliments will roll in...


Welcome back spring
Welcome back

Shamrock Shakes

Yes, I am craving one big time. A large with whip cream and a cherry on top.
350.. that's how many calories a small has. A small.
So, I am trying to avoid that blunder today although I ate two very large bowls of kix with NON fat free milk... only because I was too lazy to grab the fat free from behind it. Why do I have both kinds anyways? Ah yes, the boyfriend was here. Ugh.


Maybe I will just say FUCK IT! and get that large shake....The weather is gradually warming up and I have committed to exercising at first opportunity. Instead of driving around my campus, I park the car and I walk to all my classes. So, that ought to help some. When its a bit warmer than 30 degrees I will walk to fill the time between my classes as well, usually about an hour and a half. Major burning there.

When spring is in full swing, I am running, daily. School is only so long and my job SUCKS so I most likely will not work at all this summer, in which case, I will be in the pool swimming and in all other ways, exercising.

That seemed nonchalant, but it does irk me that I get absolutley NO hours at work. i have failed to get another job and I have been trying for quite some time. Hopefully, things pick up in the fall. If it wasn't for the boyfriend, I'd be royally screwed. Or back at my parents house which is definitely not happening.

Ahh, only a few more years until I can settle into a career, provided I get one, and all these silly worries will be behind me.

Structure

i need a structure.... a plan, a well thought out plan. For this week, I think I will sit down and organize and plan my every move until i have a neat structure. This way, I can avoid downfalls. If it's not on the agenda, then don't do it, or don't eat it.

Today, I must drink a minimum of 3 water bottles, I may go over, hopefully.

No food whatsoever today.

Also, during my last class of the day, I may have one cup of coffee to keep away the hunger pain. (6o cals)

When I get home, I am doing homework and cleaning. Then, I will fall asleep.

Frustrated beyond belief

I do so well for so many days! i had severely restricted for 3 days in a row! and then one day i ate and never stopped! now tomorrow i am going to a buffet for my biological mother. unfortunately. the last few days were meant to be fasted to make up for the indulgences tomorrow. But it seems that the best time to starve is during the week when i am at school.

there is no point in beating myself up. that doesn't accoplish a thing. i bought a pair of mini shorts yesterday, in black. they are my motivation. and when im skinny, it will be a reward to just look great in them!


I have taken pro active steps to help myself reach my goals: each day, I plan on doing several repititions of squats and/or lunges. 30 each time but every time i get a moment i will do some. this way it helps tone my thighs. in the mean timem i am still cutting back on food. i will be skinny. I am making a time limit this time too. By March 26th, I need to be 90 pounds. And by April 4th, 88. I think that these are reasonable expectations.

I must also up my water intake to the point of abuse. at least two bottles an hour. I need to focus on that like its a task, like dishes or laundry.

And i leave on that note....
on to my water now
stay strong ladies. stronger than me
CW: up again to 97. fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat...imperfect

Keeping Kontrol

I am continuing to restrict. i am still at 95 pounds however. though i must admit that this is far better than 97. The only thing I had so far today was a salad. I am tempted to eat a pizza lunchable.

Thank God this house is void of junk food. Otherwise, we would have a massive binger on our hands.

Yesterday, my oldest sister texted me. We are going to the Golden Corral for my biological mother's birthday. It is a buffet filled with wonderful things. In other words, its a personal hell, my undoing. So, knowing that I will eat, knowing that i will over eat, I will compensate before I go to counteract any damage inflicted. Friday, Saturday, and until Sunday evening, I don't plan on eating.
In all honesty, I dont really plan on eating tomorrow either, but I must keep up some strength.

i think that after restricting for two weeks, I will be at my goal weight of 88. But, I must wonder, will my body reflect those numbers? I believe that I must starve longer in order to chieve the look.

But for now, repeating those numbers in my head will keep me going

Day Dreaming

Sometimes I just wish that all the buildings would disappear. And all the trees,cars,street lights,people, animals, ... just everything. Just so I can see nothing but the sky. Endless blue with clouds or without. Its all beautiful to me
I want to move to the country,some rural place far from here. Skinny me and Michael. Forever.


But there's a hindrance. I know how to get skinmy,how to be skinny but how do I stay skinny? Even those deepest in denial know that you cannot starve forever. Its a forever thing sure,but its a vicious cycle too.

And one day i want kids. I can't have them in this state. So. Then what?


I had an orange
Beside a diet soda to get me through class, I'm done eating today

Day 2 of Fast

I really should change the title to "restriction" I stumbled. I was hungry. It started out good, 1 strawberry, 1 cup of sugar free jello and 5 grape tomatoes. But then, I had a little piece of steak and some rice... I feel awful. It can't have been that many calories but I feel bloody awful. Other than that I am doing ok. I stepped on the scale today... thankfully, I am down 2 pounds... Now i am at 95. 2 more pounds and I will be back at my acceptable weight... and my first goal weight.

I have school later. The same routine. School, then come home and relax until I pass out...from hunger or exhaustion. It all depends. I am, embarrased to say, watching the Hannah Montana Movie. Although, if you look at Miley, she is such a great thinspiration. She has tiny legs!

Fruits and Vegetables

I eat plenty of vegetables but I always have to add the butter and garlic... I think that I will try to stop doing that and just eat the veggies plain or at least with a healthier alternative. Also, I believe that this Spring I am going to start gorging more on fruits. I'm talking watermelons, bananas, rasberries, strawberries, kiwis, oranges, pears, and apples. I will try to eat only fruits for...let's say 7 days. Like a detox. I want to find more organic fruit though to make it even better!

I am shaking and tingly and so high! I love this hunger feeling of absolute control! I can hardly wait for tomorrow to begin this again!!

tripped up

I had non diet soda and coffee today. A minor set back but I think I will survive. When I get home,I'm taking a hot bath and then watch a movie and fall asleep. I will probably watch my show too.

All in all, less than 400 calories. Its not great but its still not bad. Just slowly building up my control again.

I really have missed the hunger though. I forgot how powerful you become!

day 1

I am on my first day of another attempted fast. I have had a couple glasses of water and a little bite of a cookie. I just want to shed these pounds quick. I think it will just get me ahead of the game for summer. When I reach my first big milestone goal weight (93) I am getting a pair of black jeans. Skinny jeans most likely. I think that its only appropriate.

I am again on the public bus on my way to school. Its going to be a rough evening but I'm looking forward to a deflated stomach tonight.

cw:97
gw:93
Reward - black jeans

6:11pm

Im hungry. I'm so hungry.
I already chowed on a bag of combos.
I ate some sugar-free jello but I am so hungry.
I want to give up or give in.
But, I mustn't. This is too big and too important. I believe that I can do this.


Tomorrow, I work. Huge distraction. Let's just hope that I can make it through tonight.

God help me.

Feeling so much stonger

I don't feel like i need to eat like i have in the past. those cravings and longings have seemed to just vanish. i keep seeing these images in my mind. they are burned in there. its like i can actually see what it is that i am trying to obtain.

i want this so bad. somtimes in my spare time, i can almost feel what it must be like to be so small and tiny. so thin and beautiful. anything looks good on you when you are so delicate!

i get the feeling that this may be it. it is not too long before summer will be here. i suppose you can say that it my set goal date. Just summer. of course, the sooner the better. i get so excited but then i also get really nervous.

What if I already fucked up?

In my opinion, i think that I don't eat that much. perhaps this is why i must continue to use numbers and numbers only. numbers never lie. however, i am petrified that maybe my body is at the point when i can no longer lose any more weight. ridiculous as it sounds, maybe i am in starvation mode. if so, how do i drag myself out of it?

i also do not understand how i could possibly be 90 pounds in the summer and gained all of that crap back? i believe that i am at a high of 97 pounds since i have left my parents house.

i will not continue to weight that much. i know i can do this. i am doing this. i just have to be careful so that when i do actually eat, it is not detrimental to my weight.

Just keep telling myself
88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88
Pure Beauty

Minor Setback:overcome

I consider myself well enough to start starving again. I have had a grand total of 250 cals today so I am doing good. I am just going to keep this up and see where I get. I have a new image in my mind: me, walking into school with mini shorts and knee high socks, rail thin. Men's jaws will drop. 88... here I come.

public transportation

I find it degrading. But after wrecking my car I suppose I deserve it. I pretend like its just another adventure in my wonderland. I don't like this part of the story. So I listen to the all American Rejects and pretend that all is well. And soon, I suppose it will be. I am still ill but hope to recover soon so that I can starve into my jeans again.

Insurmountable

Life is too big for some people. Life is insurmountable.
But there are some of us who, when knocked down, are strong enough to jump right back up and try again.

Life crashed my car. Life made me broke. Life made me sick so therefore bceause of life, I am fat.
But, life has not stopped my loan. Life will allow another car. Life will eventually find me well again.

I will surmount life when I am not sick and I can starve peaceably again.

:.Mini shorts.:

after the accident

I learned that life is just too big for some of us. We just can't make it here. We're consumed by the problems and pulled down with our failures. Some of us just won't make it.

Unbelievable

I cannot believe that I finally have a phone that has internet. It makes everything easier for me. I can view thinspo whenever. I can count calories electronically. Its amazing. I am thrilled. I mentioned earlier that I am on a liquid fast. I am exxited to watch those pounds drop. More good news. I walk to all my classes now. Exercise: )

Slim Fast

I have been gaining weight. There is no more hiding that fact. Even when I don't write the reality, it is still there. Real, tangible.

My jeans. My $90 jeans. Tight, Really tight. The ass used to sag on me. Beauty? gone. Irreplaceable? I don't think so.

I bought Slim Fast powder. And Skim milk. I drink a glass in the morning (to take my vitamin) and I am good for the rest of the day. (200 Cals.)

Hopefully, if I do this long enough, I can shed some weight. I know I will.

I don't want to weigh myself yet. I think I am going oto hold off on that. Instead, once or twice a week, I am going to put these jeans back on and see how they fit. That will be my mesurement.

I already picked out the teeny tiny shorts I want. Now I need to slim down enough to squeeze my fat ass in them.
I can do it. I really can.

90 Pounds... Here I come

He was supposed to spend the day with me. He told me he took off. Now he is gone on his way to work. I will be alone at the party. I hate him. Fuck my life.

I didnt lack the motivation to begin my new regiment today. It includes Jillians workout (45 minutes) every day. And i think that i an going to try a liq

Its nice to know that i can blog straight from my phone. I didnt know that it could. This will definitely help me with my temptations. It turns out that

Going to get a blondie sundae to feed my fat ass. New regiment on Monday.

Crisis

I ate soup today so I could take my vitamin... it was supposed to be my one meal!
Unfortunately, my mother called and invited me to dinner tonight. So now I am going to her house... I already consumed like 230 Calories!! I can not possibly put more in my body!

Maybe if I don't panic I can get through this. I am not sure what she is cooking but I will try my best to keep my intake below 600. Actually, 370 because I already had 230.

Why do I freak out when I don't know the caloric intake of a certain food? I must only eat foods that I know.

My Immortal

Reading your blogs, all you ladies, the way you speak is so romantic and poetic. It takes me to another place, like reading a fairy tale. And that is really all were after isn't it? But, some of us, almost all of us, have the capacity to bring these fantasies into a reality! It is a gift, a power, beyond anyone to understand.

I want to be thin. That is my fairy tale. I want to stand aloft and look down at myself from heaven. I would see my entire life in black and white. Long, beautiful curly hair, brunette. Perfectly polished nails in black, fingers resting on a protruding hip bone. A flowing dress, custom made to cling to the tiny thighs, around each stunning rib, barring just barely there cleavage. My skin, even in black and white, luminescent pearl, mistaken maybe for the common word "pale."

My fairy tale does not encompass one aspect. But, each segment branches out from that one main idea. Skinny is my plot. Everything else merely is there just to make the story more appealing, a book worth reading, making the trip into my wonderland, immortal.

A Good Sign?

I did not get my period for January. Two prengnancy tests said negative. For the last few months, my cycle has been irregular. It sends somewhat of a thrill through me because to me, this is like a sign that I am finally thin! I will hold on the applause because my stomach is unsettled right now. Perhaps my period is yet to come. But, either way, I need to miss my period for three solid months in order for me to even think about honoring this.

The awful truth is that I am not even that thin. I hsve plateaued at 95. I miss the days when I was 90. And yet there is still hope in my mind. I believe I will see those again! Yesterday, I didn't eat that much. Even if I was being immodest, I would still say that I have consumed far less than 500 calories that day. Today, I hat two scrambled eggs with cheese in it, a glass of milk, and my multivitamin.

It is this tiny pill that makes me eat. I need it to keep my body healthy. But, it makes me sick to my stomach unless I eat something with it.

I suppose a better choice would have been broth instead of my heavy breakfast. But, I guess I will just wean myself off of food. Tomorrow, I will just have broth. And, possibly Friday as well. This Sunday is my sister's baby shower and I am bound to eat. So I must take these preventative measures. Even if I don't lose, at least I won't gain. And that is something. Who knows? Perhaps I will lose something. If so, won't I just be such a happy woman?

Holy Hell

Holy hell what do i do to burn these calores????
I must fit in that dress this weekend!
I need to be perfect! What happened to my commitment?
Time is ticking...5 more days. How much weight can I possibly lose in 5 days???
I need 3 just to begin to lose weight; then, I can assume I will lose 1-2 pounds per day after that initial first pound is dropped. So... 5 pounds can be lost. Ok, I guess that is ok.

im freaking out.
intake:
Bag of BBQ Chips:120
Apple Pie:450
Quizno's Sub:500
Total:1070

Barely even a deficit. Holy hell.
My life is officially over. Nothing else for today except lots of water, some coffee and a diet soda because I am dying of thirst. Damn.
My life is in shambles.
I need to lower my body fat percentage by the way. Another reason why I am FLIPPING out.
I need to g odo something constructive. And fidget.

Holy hell.
5 days.

Plagued

I am plagued by a guilty conscience. Not because I have filled my body with fattening, disgusting impurities but because I still come on here. I feel like I cheated and should not be allowed to look any longer on these beautiful girls.

I have this feeling...it is a confident one. I have a time frame to drop 5 pounds now. And a reward at the end. But, I have never been so pressed for time before, I have never been put in this predicament. Before next sunday, 2/7, I want to be 90 pounds. That is my goal. I am setting it high for myself. I have a feeling that this time it will happen. It will happen just in time for my sister's baby shower on Sunday. I am so excited for this to begin.

I beging fasting Sunday, unless my parents come for dinner. Then, it will be Sunday night. But, by Wednesday, I want to have 72 hours in by then. After those 72 hours, the pounds will probably just drop effortlessly off my body. If necessary, I will take in sugar-free jello and chicken broth, 5 and 15 calories a serving respectively.


I gotta feeling....

Biggest Fear

I am getting engaged this year. Just waiting for the funds to come from my boyfriend.
But I worry about life after marriage. About kids. There are some things you just don't google. I don't want to know the statistics of girls with eating disorders losing their child, or birth defects, or....inheritance not of intrisnic value but of fatality...

{Frustrated!}

I have been teetering back and forth between 95 and 94 pounds and it is begginning to drive me crazy! I alwayss research things online about fasts and water tips, and nutrition information. But, maybe I should quit that because it just scares me by making me think that I will end up fatter if I fast. But, I just want to fast long enough so that I can drop to 90 pounds or maybe 92. I have been trying the >300 calories method but I don't think that is working for me. I always slip up.


I keep losing my grip on my control and it is driving me insane! I need something to thoroughly distract me. Or maybe, I just need the absence of my one biggest distraction...

Michael will not be staying here everyday starting on Monday. Most likely just the weekends now. Hopefully this helps.

I have a baby shower, my sister's, to attend February 7th. I intend on looking my best. So, I just want to lose 5 pounds before then.

Think I can do it?

I am going to grab my water out of my trunk and start abusing it. Hopefully this helps as well.

BMI:17.2

http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/


According to this site, that is my BMI. I am continuing with my >300 calories a day. It seems more effective than starving downright. But, I suppose I will stave certain days too. I lost my control yesterday and miraculously, I am still 94 pounds.

One more pound until my new phone!!!

Right now, I am going to look up water abuse and how it may help me lose weight.

I have been anorexic a couple times and the last time, i ate around 0-300 calories a day and lost around 3 pounds per day.But that started acouple days after i started not eating.And some days i would lose more and some days i would lose less.But i did lose alot

I also found that on the web so I need to remember that when I fast, do it for longer than a day!

On and Off Again

Yea, that 1 pound is coming on and off because I am not doing this right! I can't even fast longer than 2 days! It sucks. Today, I am not eating anything except maybe 1 or 2 chicken wings because if I starve, I end up eating more the next day. I would much rather starve, but maybe this way is better.

If my boyfriend didn't live with me, it might be a little bit easier for me not to eat. He is the only reason why I make dinner. So, I will fast on occasions, but when I am not fasting, I will restrict. Today, I will consume less than 300 calories.

I have this little book in my purse with me that I write everything I ate and how much I weigh ect. But, I started making lists too. Lists about "bad foods" that I must never touch, like cool whip. And "Bad Foods Except With Moderation" like coffee or diet soda. I also listed how much of each ingredient on the nutrition label is good. "No more than 5g of sugar for any food excluding fruits." "Good Foods" include sugar-free jello, and teddy grahms. Teddy Grahms are only 130 calories for 24. And, as my snack for the day, that could really fill me up.

So, as of right now, my goal is >300 Cals today. By June First 2010, I want to be 88 pounds. I have also set up a stepping stone system paired with rewards. Instead of my goal to be 94-88, its 95-93, Reward: New Cell Phone. As I get skinnier, I have rewards like (93-90) black jeans, and (90-88) white skinny jeans.

I am very excited about this. I am not going to weigh myself until Friday though. Sometimes the scale encourages me, and other times, it's a huge discouragement.

Fasting:: Lost 1 pound!

I just weighed myself and I have dropped to 94 pounds! I am so happy about that. I am just so shaky and weak and tired though so that sucks. But, I am eating sugar free jello to help. When I break this fast, I am just having chicken broth. Then, I will eat a salad. When I get more money, I am going to Trader Joe's to buy some healthy and organic food.
94 Pounds.. I might actually be able to do this!

24 Hour Mark

I have not eaten for a full 24 hours! Actually, I am moving into my 26th hour. I cannot wait until tomorrow! I already had head rushes, shakes, and weakness in the legs today. I also felt powerful, strong, and beautiful. Empty, pure, and euphoric! I want to feel it all again tomorrow!

The only thing that concerns me is that my pee is a slight yellow again. It is mandatory that I drink enough water to keep my urine clear. So I really need to work on that again. I might also have insomnia. Not good.

Thinspo{Legs}

FAT FAILURE

I HATE MYSELF MY LIFE AND MY BODY. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. IM FAT AND UGLY AND HUGE. MY JEANS HURT AND THEY SHOULDN'T I WANT TO BE PERFECT! YESERTDAY, I WAS READY FOR BED AND WAS ABOUT TO LAY DOWN AND I STILL ONLY HAD 60 CALS. THEN, MY BF AND I STARTED ARGUING VIA TEXT MESSAGES AND I STAYED UP...AND I WENT DIRECTLY TO THE FRIDGE AND DID A 1300 CALORIE BINGE. IM FAT AND DISGUTING. I HATE MY FUCKING SELF! I REFUSE TO EAT ANYTHING AT ALL THIS WEEKEND. NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I HAVE A BOOK THAT I WRITE EVERYTHING I EAT DOWN IN. TODAY I AM GOING TO MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I CAN DO TO AVOID EATING WHEN THE URGE IS THERE. I HATE MYSELF.

Thinspo{Hip Bones}

Thinspo{Legs}

I ate a total of 60 calories today. The pie is tempting me... but I must resist!

Guilty

I ate yesterday. It was spur of the moment. I had just recieved a phone call regarding an interview I was waiting for. I was so excited that I told my boyfriend we could eat at Burger King.( I had coupons) I invited my sister out of politeness and she suggested that we eat at Applebee's instead since that is where her boyfriend works and he was currently on the clock. Of course, I agreed and ate more than I should have. Once I eat, I sometimes use that as an excuse to continue eating since I have already failed once.
Today, I woke up with the intention of not eating. It was going well. I took my brother bowling and when we got back to my parent's house, the door was locked. He found $5 in his pockets so we went to Little Caesars. Their pizzas don't necessarily tempt me... but the crazy bread does. So I ordered for the two of us and blurted out
"And an order of crazy bread please." I did not think through the consequences. You know me. I ate almost all of them, all God only knows how many calories. I have hamburger helper planned for dinner for my boyfriend. I promise I won't touch that. We are going to watch According to Greta tonight with Hilary Duff which I am sure will be a thinspo inspiring movie. And tomorrow, I will exhale 0 at night.

Lastly, I would like to admit that somedays I don't come on here. Some days, I deliberately cringe away from the laptop. It is because I feel so guilty about haveing eaten something I shouldn't have. It always is. So, forgive me when I fail to update. I swear I will be 88 pounds before summer. I swear Ana. I swear.

Operation Distraction

So I willingly gave in today to each and every temptation. It is more than likely that the guilt will plague me tonight so badly that I will not be able to sleep. It is almost midnight and I am on the verge of being so exhausted that I just hit the pillow and fall asleep. If it weren't for this blog, I'd have been there already.

As a side note: I have produced, made by hand, a tutu. Black, dark pink, and light pink. It turned out quite nice and I look forward to showing off skinny legs this summer in the aformentioned tulle skirt.

That brings me to the next topic. Or rather, the other half of my life. As I already stated, I failed today on a majorly basis. But, that was with every intention of correcting my error tommorrow. It is difficult to be home all day and not eat. It is hard to fall asleep or put in a movie without a snack. Tomorrow I start school. It excites me because I am begginning new classes. But, it will also distract me to the point that when I get home at night I won't eat. I plan on holding to this new plan, nay a new operation because it is so much bigger than a plan.

I am thrilled.
I amy not have mentioned this, but I am planning to buy a pair of teeny tiny shorts this summer. I want to show off skinny legs. And I will. When I am 88 pounds, I will be beautiful.

Before I close, The Secret Life was very disappointing tonight-- except when Ricky made a move on Amy... I want them to hook up!

Worthless

I hate myself. I have been fasting and severely restricting for almost two weeks and apparently its not good enough! I haven't lost any weight and I haven't even gained. My boyfriend hurt me and so for the last two days I binged. But, before then, I was running and burning at least 200 calories when I did throwing me in negatives at the end of each day. Maybe thats why I'm not losing anything... I am just keeping everything balanced with my exercise and binges.

Today is a new day. I will spend the next couple of hours on this laptop, cleaning my room, or watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I am obsessed with that show. I have had a dream, not unpleasant, about Ricky Underwood two nights in a row. After that, I am going to leave for work at 2:40, and work until 8:45. Afterwards, I am going to come home and get ready for a party tonight at the Villa. It's a restaurant owned by my sister's boyfriend.

I have survived two days without Michael. He came yesterday and of course he pissed me off because he would not leave after I asked him too. I hate when he does that. I think I may be able to survive for quite a while longer too. Right now, he is at work. Then I will be at work, then a party. And tomorrow, I work all day too. Monday might be hard but I start school on Tuesday. So in the end, maybe this is the best thing.

I feel so worthless for not havving lost any weight. I am not eating today. Tonight, I will log onto this account, and I will proudly post that piece of news. I can be skinny and beautiful. I will be. I need to be.

Thinspo ++++

Moderation

This is my second post of the day but I feel like it needs to be written. I have just gotten out of the bath. I have been in there for a good 45 minutes, reading Marya's book. It is addicting and beautiful, though sad that her disorder began so young. It seems disrespectful of me that she wrote such a book to help young teens, or anybody suffereing from an eating disorder, that I turn to this book as a help guid, a life line, thinspiration. Indeed, I must control my intake of this book as much as I control the calories that I put into my body. I feel that if I read this book slowly, and in portions no bigger than 75 pages a day, I can make it last longer, so that I can last longer. This is not the first book that I have gained insight or inspiration from though. There are other books and to be honest, they are not actually related to any eating disorder at all. A Great and Terrible Beauty is such a book. It's mesmerizing. It is possible that it is not the contents of the books that give me such strength. It could be that the object itself, the story that I immerge myself in, the characters that hold me captive. It could be those. It brings me to an alternate reality, where nothing is real. Yet I long for it to be such. I must sigh at the end of any good book because, well, the book is over, the journey, the adventure. Its done, its all over.

Back to reality, I have almost finished my second bottle of water out of my daily requirement of 3. My boyfriend and I will watch a movie later, with popcorn as I suggested. I even told him that I might just eat some. Thank God I came to my senses. I think I may just continue to enjoy the protests in my stomach just a little bit longer.

Systematic Approach

I think that I may finally get it. I have been reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. Its a memoir of anorexia and bulimia. She writes of a system that helps her eat just enough and never too much. I think I may try that. Sam told me that Adam is going to buy Wii Fit tonight. I plan on making use of that if it comes about. This morining, I ran for about 20 minutes with Michael. I burned close to 200 calories but I have since then consumed that and perhaps more. I ate a few orange slices for a breakfast(32)a fit and active snack from Aldi's(90)a sucker(60)a sugar daddy,(53)and I picked off of Sam and Michael's food from Taco Bell(70). That brings my total intake of calories to 305. That is pretty much disgusting and unaacceptable. Between walking through the mall and my run this morining, I maybe burned 352 calories. Which means only a 47 calorie deficit. I am thinking that I mus do something to offset this. I wish to continue reading that book so maybe I will just fidget. I would also like to watch that movie, The best little girl in the world.

Fuck My Life

Everything in my life seems to be going wrong. I just want to bury a hole, a thin line in the ground, just wide enough to bury myself in. I am losing hours at work due to a terrible game of favoritism. I have searched for a new job. I applied, and handed in resumes. I have e-mailed, called, and talked to people in person. I have asked connections and for prayer. I have done everything possible and am still stuck at the same, no money job. I have no more enthusiasm for anything else. I am mad at God. I asked him, begged him, to help me, to let me just please get this job. Did I? Of course not. Apparently, I am not good enough, for him or any other employer. I refuse to eat. I won't. Because then, maybe somebody will notice and they just might care. I am just wondering how I am expected to pay $330 a month when I don't even make that much? He is a cruel God. I will starve and he has to watch. I would much rather die, but before I do, at least I will be beautiful.

SleepyHead :: Passion Pit

i had a maximum of 130 calories yesterday because I couldn't resist the macaroni and cheese. This morning I indulged in some 90 calorie rice cake snacks. If worse comes to worse I believe I shall just make myself some sugar- free jello. I weighed myself this morning, with a tank top and jeans on. It tipped all the way to 95. It doesn't feel like I am losing any weight at all! I need to work harder. I will weigh in again tonight and I will also post a new picture under the before and after blog. In the first picture, I was 96 pounds so at least I lost something. But, I promise to try harder.

Empty and Pure

I knew that I could eventually do it. I know I have that kind of strength. Its this strength that got me so far. For the last few days, I just had too much food in my system. Every night I felt full. But, tonight, I have pure emptiness. Tonight, when I count the calories I have consumed for the day, I will take one deep breath in, and exhale nice and softly... 0

The journey is difficult but the results are worth it. Now for my reassurance, I will google exactly how many pounds I will lose on such a fast. Then, soon, I may just begin my own section off tips and tricks to help other girls.

Olsen Twins