Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Fat Failure

I was so amazing today!! I had nothing for breakfast. I drank a bottle of water at work(my goal is four bottles a day) and had an orange for lunch. When I got home, I ate a pear cup and planned on making breakfast for dinner for Michael. I made a little bit of food for him and planned on just picking off his plate. Then my phone vibrated. It was my sister Sam and she was bored at work, begging me to come up and slpit a plate with her. I felt bad and agreed. Michael decided he wanted to spend New Year's Eve elsewhere so I dropped him off on my way and went to the restaurant. Needless to say, I was hungry. What anorexic girl is not hungry? So, I ate. More accurately, I indulged. It was not that good but I scarfed it all anyways. I am thoroughly repulsed. I know I have the drive and motivation to do this right! I just let my emotions control my stomach rather than my mind! I was so wrong in this matter. I need to be 88 pounds. I need to get there.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I want to be thin. I want to be too thin


Even if you were not compelled with an unexplainable desire to be thin, these provacative images would surely change your mind. Even ignoring the beautifully skinny girls, the photography just takes away your breath. I suppose that is why they call it "thinspiration." It truly inspires me.
Incidentally, based on these images, I have begun a strict water and broth only diet.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Full Size Beds Were Meant to Be Shared

You shifted your arm off of me and I backed up, snuggling closer into you. I heard the laughter in your voice as you said "baby, it's not like I wasn't going to put my arm around you again." I miss you so much. Four days and I freaking lost it. Shed a few tears and everything. I want you back but now I have no idea what you are even doing with your life. Will you even be able to get your GED? You can't stay in school any longer! You will be there forever!! I'm scared. So scared. I want you so bad in every way but I don't know if we are good for each other. I really hope I can just move on from you.

My sisters want to take me to an indoor water park for my birthday. The gesture is very sweet but I just don't think it will be a very good emotional experience for me. I know how it will be. It will be the same way it was last year without him. Sad, depressing, and lonely. It's hard for me to keep myself occupied. All I want to do is go shopping and spend money which is not the right thing to do especially since I am trying to save money. I told them, via facebook, that I just want to go to T-mobile to pick out a new phone. That's it. Then, I can just sleep the rest of the day away.

I am so unhappy right now and so down about life. I hate that I force myself to stay awake until ridiculous hours just to see if he replied back to my e-mail or not.

I'm such a fucking failure!! Shit. I over ate. I jusst coudn't stop. I am so disgusting. I will fix it. I promise.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

What's Left of Me

I woke up at 1:47 AM by a deluge of texts from Michael. He was not saying anything of consequence. It was just a series of question marks, one right after the other. Over 180 text messages and when I woke up, they still had not finished sending. To solve the problem, I hacked into his yahoo email, since our accounts are still linked and he has yet to realize it, and I changed his password. He bothered me around 3:30 to ask what his password is, cussing me out and saying "WTF FUKKIN BITCH"

I was left in peace while I shopped at Target and for several hours at work. After we had closed the store, he interrupted my tranquility. He began by asking me how I was, as if nothing had occurred between us. I responed optimistically, saying I was just fine. He volleyed back with a "thats what you say now." He continued on telling me that it was funny how he never had an interview before with my number on the application but as soon as he used Shannon's, he had an interview. I knew he was just trying to get in my head and I was not taking the bait. He proceeded to thank me for his social card and his state ID in an attempt to piss me off. I replied curtly. No problem. The rest of the converasation is vague. He called me controlling for not allowing him to have female friends He told me that he was having a good life now that he had friends. I asked hi, if he was so happy, then why was he continously bugging me. He swore that it was because there was something about me that he loved and he would not let go of me. I let him know that I was letting go and I abruptly ended the conversation by hitting "ignore contact."

It was hard to hold back the tears after that exchange. He was trying to get to me and he succeeded. Thank God, I did not cry, but I was hurt. Very hurt. This all came from a boy I loved. A boy that part of me still loves. I don't even recognize who he is any more. He is so mean and cruel, so viscious and hurtful. No part of me desires to have me back but every fiber in my being just wants every connection we have to be severed. I want to hurt him so much back. I don't understand why he would put up with me for so long if he was so unhappy. Maybe because to him, I really do have the looks and that was all he was after? He was always all over me, so possibly he was here just for the sex? I guess I will never really know because there are times I have asked him and he swore he just loved me for me, my personality. Nothing else.

How much time do you think it will take for all of this to heal? I really don't know but I think that if I keep open holes for him to crawl through to me, it's never going to heal, so i believe it is time to change a few things around here, beggining with my e-mail.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I will disappear and you are going to miss me

I wrote an entire novel about the argument between Michael and I. Then, today, after I tried to log in, it forced me to create a new account. It's a very good thing that I had not written more than two blogs or else I may have been very put out.

My stomach protests against me, screaming for food at the moment. I have not fed it well since Black Friday morning. It's been 32 hours although I did enjoy a caramel apple sucker so I don't know why it's protesting so much. In response, I am giving my stomach some watered down orange juice which is actually quite revolting. Last week, I weighed myself and collapsed in grief at the numbers. I was 98 pounds. However, this week I am a little bit more exultant. I have managed to survive two Thanksgiving meals and dropped to 93 pounds. For once in my life, I have set not only a numerical goal, but a timely one. I am to be 88 pounds by December 19th. It's my present to myself.

It's amazing how quickly my body reverts to its previous habits, ones formed by a forced separation between Michael and I. I tend to go to bed slightly earlier now. Last night it was aroun 10pm. Just before midnight, I was awakened by my phone vibrating. None other than Michael was texting me from a new yahoo e-mail he had created. It's very vague to me now, but he texted something like "I know you wrote about me." I replied with a period, and olny a period, to keep his messages coming so I knew what he was talking about, but I fell asleep almost immediately after that. I had a strange dream about Michael. We were together and in love, touching, kissing, and caressing each other. I woke up around 7:30 AM. I had to quickly check my phone because it occurred to me that his text messages were a dream as well. That was disputed. It's distressing being up so early. I wanted to go shopping but I was unsure of the hours that stores were opened at. So, I forced myself to sleep again, and with a relief, woke up at 10:30.

I am happy to announce that I have expanded my closet to include the color grey. At least shades of grey. I prefer a more gun metal silver/ charcoal grey color. While I was out Christmas shopping for Sam, I found a few selections I wanted to add to my closet. One piece is the same coat that Bella wears in the movie Twilight, only hers is blue and mine is grey. I feel a strong desire to alter my appearance so completely that Michael has to force himself to remember who the girl he dated was. I do not even know why. I just have this urge to change everything! For my birthday, I am planning on getting a new phone. I don't even want that to be the same. I have three options: the Blackberry Curve, the Mytouch, or the sidekick.

The good news is that my stomach has decided to quit its whining. Before, I had to put so much work and thought into fasting, because I guess that this is what I will call it. But, afer Michael and I split up, it became effortless. I don't feel any inclination for dinner.

Other than that, I am good. I am strong. It is Day Three and I have kept the tears away. The reality probably has not caught up yet. I am not complaining. He has kept his distance, which is very good for me and my prperty. Michael and I will never be together again. There will be no forever for Michael and I. I can't make it sink in. Maybe I just don't really mind or my heart has become calloused to goodbyes. Either way.

I'm not looking for another relationship. I feel that I have nothing left to give. It was all wasted on the first boy I ever loved. There is nothing left of me. That's ok too.

I'm happy, though alone. I'm fine. I truly am.