Saturday, November 28, 2009

I will disappear and you are going to miss me

I wrote an entire novel about the argument between Michael and I. Then, today, after I tried to log in, it forced me to create a new account. It's a very good thing that I had not written more than two blogs or else I may have been very put out.

My stomach protests against me, screaming for food at the moment. I have not fed it well since Black Friday morning. It's been 32 hours although I did enjoy a caramel apple sucker so I don't know why it's protesting so much. In response, I am giving my stomach some watered down orange juice which is actually quite revolting. Last week, I weighed myself and collapsed in grief at the numbers. I was 98 pounds. However, this week I am a little bit more exultant. I have managed to survive two Thanksgiving meals and dropped to 93 pounds. For once in my life, I have set not only a numerical goal, but a timely one. I am to be 88 pounds by December 19th. It's my present to myself.

It's amazing how quickly my body reverts to its previous habits, ones formed by a forced separation between Michael and I. I tend to go to bed slightly earlier now. Last night it was aroun 10pm. Just before midnight, I was awakened by my phone vibrating. None other than Michael was texting me from a new yahoo e-mail he had created. It's very vague to me now, but he texted something like "I know you wrote about me." I replied with a period, and olny a period, to keep his messages coming so I knew what he was talking about, but I fell asleep almost immediately after that. I had a strange dream about Michael. We were together and in love, touching, kissing, and caressing each other. I woke up around 7:30 AM. I had to quickly check my phone because it occurred to me that his text messages were a dream as well. That was disputed. It's distressing being up so early. I wanted to go shopping but I was unsure of the hours that stores were opened at. So, I forced myself to sleep again, and with a relief, woke up at 10:30.

I am happy to announce that I have expanded my closet to include the color grey. At least shades of grey. I prefer a more gun metal silver/ charcoal grey color. While I was out Christmas shopping for Sam, I found a few selections I wanted to add to my closet. One piece is the same coat that Bella wears in the movie Twilight, only hers is blue and mine is grey. I feel a strong desire to alter my appearance so completely that Michael has to force himself to remember who the girl he dated was. I do not even know why. I just have this urge to change everything! For my birthday, I am planning on getting a new phone. I don't even want that to be the same. I have three options: the Blackberry Curve, the Mytouch, or the sidekick.

The good news is that my stomach has decided to quit its whining. Before, I had to put so much work and thought into fasting, because I guess that this is what I will call it. But, afer Michael and I split up, it became effortless. I don't feel any inclination for dinner.

Other than that, I am good. I am strong. It is Day Three and I have kept the tears away. The reality probably has not caught up yet. I am not complaining. He has kept his distance, which is very good for me and my prperty. Michael and I will never be together again. There will be no forever for Michael and I. I can't make it sink in. Maybe I just don't really mind or my heart has become calloused to goodbyes. Either way.

I'm not looking for another relationship. I feel that I have nothing left to give. It was all wasted on the first boy I ever loved. There is nothing left of me. That's ok too.

I'm happy, though alone. I'm fine. I truly am.