Sunday, January 2, 2011

Tumblr blog
that is my tumblr blog. please take a look! it is a very active and strong support network! i definitely recommend it ladies!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod



Monday, December 27, 2010

If I can't find a way, I'll make one

today i found a dozen of roses with a card on the back of my car with a card. It said "I am sorry for what I did." I can't really imagine he truly knows what it is he did to hurt me.

On a brighter note, I made $90 in tips today. Less happy, I most likely ate that amount or more in calories. I munched on 1 chocolate, 2 penne noodles, a few chips, and a few fries. Ugh, i can't believe I lost control like that. I need to shape up at work. Munching is unacceptable.

Do not be too disappointed at me. I plan on jogging in place for 15 minutes (which supposedly burns 107 calories? Doubtful) And do 30 squats. Then, I will lay down happily with HUNGER, the book i picked up from the library today. its good so far. tomorrow, nothing besides H2O is touching my lips. I am off work that day, so it should be simple. I am going to do a little shopping and that involves some walking so all in all, it should be a successful day.

Now, when should I weigh myself? I am scared to. I feel so fat and like I haven't lost any weight. The numbers scare me. I can't deny that there is no better time to weigh myself than the first of the year. Yes, that is what I will do and I promise you ladies I will be 97 pounds.

I was thinking that instead of a weight for an ultimate goal, I would do a BMI. Ultimately, I want to be 88 pounds. Thats for now though. Let's see how I look.

After all, I love baggy size zeros.

Fast Tuesday []
Drink 4 bottles of water []
Fast Wednesday []
Drink 5 bottles of water []

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Strive for something better--strive for perfection

My second blog today-- not unusual for me. I was proud that I did not let a single morsel pass through my lips at work today, which sucked by the way. Work always sucks.

I drank to kids cups of water and two of diet pepsi with lemon. Really darlings, add a lemon to anything, it tastes wonderful! I am finishing a bottle of water now. When I got home, dinner was out. I didnt eat that, but I did have some dirt cake. Not much, but enough to make me feel guilty. I am hungry now, and tired. I am never tired before midnight so I know my body is weakened from the lack of food. The elation will follow soon.

Unfortunately, I made plans with a friend I normally do not talk to, or see, but we do need to have our mini christmas together and I suggested coffee, or lunch. Really, she is probably broke and I can convince her to just have it at her house. I feel better with that out of the way.

For a minute, I thought I might have to consume a few calories. I am going on a vaction January 4-6 and cannot wait. I want to be around 94 pounds by the time I leave. I am sure the hotel room is equipped with an exercise room and any unwanted and necessary calories consumed can be burned away. The hotel is all-inclusive.

Basically, I have consumed fewer than 100 calories today which I suppose is good. I was aiming for 000. Tomorrow morning, I am driving to the library to pick up my book, Hunger, by Jackie Kessler. It as an allegorical story about anorexia and I cannot wait to read it. And it always feels better reading thinspiring books like that on an empty stomach.

Good night ladies.
Stay strong.

Fuck the boyfriend--embrace Ana

I won't bore you by going into detail about the monstrosities in my life. It isn't glamorous and I am not one you'd want to idolize,except in my weight conquers. I am not here to complain about my life I am here to escape from it.

That's why I've created an alternate, more beautiful world for me to live in.

The holidays sucked and I wont wastw time heaping guilt onto myself. We all know whose fault it is. I can only pass over this part because I feel so committed to the future. I am not eating today, or tomorrow for that matter, and I don't work Tuesday so hell, I may not eat that day either.

I work today. Picked up a shift. I may as well have. Even though I work 6 days this week already. I serve in a restaurant and I'm around food all day. Sometimes it's difficult to avoid eating. Often times, I didn't care. But now I walk in there A.proud that I'm skinny and B. able to resist that food while all around me guests are eating like its their last supper.

I imagine I should be around 97-98 pounds on Wednesday. If their is one thing I have never been good at, it would be estimating the amount of weight I can lose within a specific time frame. I always guess high. Maybe that is hindering me in the long run.

Happy starving ladies! Enjoy your Sunday, which I know for many of you is a fasting day.

Thursday, December 23, 2010


I remember a time in fourth grade that we were all weighed during gym class. I weighed in around 64 pounds whicg was rather small looking back. I remember my friend weighed in a pound or two less. Again, in retrospect, the girl was taller. But the jealousy that coursed through me!

That is the earliest recollection I have of my weight consciousness. Throughout my middle school years, I never ate lunch. I was embarrassed about having a brown bag while everyone bought there food, yet I do not remember the slightest inclination to eat their food. I remember the gloating I could do while they inhaled their food and knowing I would not eat for another few hours. The power I had!

I have always been the skinny one, the toothpick, the one everyone wished ate more.

I remember while I was a freshman in high-school, 15 years old, and I decided point blank that I would not eat ever again. And since then I've battled my way down from 98-93 and back up again. Disgustingly, I am at a high of 99 but I don't expect that number to reign supreme. I plateaued 1 pound away from my goal of 92 and relapsed from there. I have never out grown my 00-0 jeans but then again I do not wish to. How I live is my choice. How you perceive me is yours. I cannot bother myself with trifling name calling of "wannarexics." That term has not been aimed towards me at any given time but it is impolite to aim at anyone else all the same.

I do not have a problem. I am merely seeking a temporary means to a permanent solution. I have desires and aspirations. Who are you to tell me otherwise?
Much love beauties

Monday, November 1, 2010

im sorry ana

No matter how hard I try it is never enough. Another failure today. I fasted for 46 hours until my body protested & collapsed. I will stand up I will try again. If only she'd stop screaming in my ear! I'm trying Ana! Damn it I'm trying! Nothing I do is enough! Tonight kicks off another fast a short one, only around 40 hours. I can handle that can't I? You better bitch. Stop yelling at me! Her voice is always quick to judge after I have eaten even the smallest morsel. I will make her proud! I cannot bear to weigh myself yet. 100 pounds? 98? 105? Or, god forbid 96? If only.
If only Ana
If only.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


I have been experimenting with ketosis which is a stage your body enters during starvation, around 3 days of fasting. I recommend that any girl who is the fasting type research this term. Its very useful.

On that note, I was able to fast for 38 hours before I cheated. I had some cheesy chips & cereal. Believe me, I had to endure the guilt all night. it hasn't even been 24 hours since then so I'm still slightly plagued. My goal is 96 hours which is around 4 days. After the 72nd hour, I will be burning straight fat for 24 hours!! I believe I'll have a salad to break the fast otherwise I may go to the show which serves food as well. Also, I find it necessary to do this again the 20th of November approximately 5 days before Thanksgiving & Black Friday & I know I will be eating. Stay strong ladies! I hope I can be a thinspiration to you all!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Windy in the City

today, i have had one bottle of Diet Pepsi(0) a cup of joe(60) and one graham cracker(150) so 210 calories for the day. Its not that bad I suppose. I actually wanted to fast for 5 days in a row so that I can enter into ketosis buttt my sister has a ham meal planned tomorrow. That is why i am so sad about todays intake. Im keeping a reserve for tomorrow. the good news is that tomorrow i will practice moderation--chewing slowly, eating only a little, guzzling water, or diet soda, and allowing my body to register that it is full before i consume too many calories. with thanksgiving right around the corner, i really need to fast quite often so that i don't fall behind when the day comes. i have a reserve for that day and Black Friday. Thursday I have school all day= fasting. friday i have work=fasting saturday i work= fasting and sunday i am doing a double so most definitely=fasting. that is four days of not eating. on monday, i will eat a salad.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

October 21 2010-----approx. 102 pounds

i know... :(

Because skinny jeans weren't meant for fat people--

had an apple for breakfast. for lunch i will drink a bottle of diet pepsi. Dinner... a cup of cofee (60)it is embarrasing when my boyfriend touches me. still going with the hope that we have a house to live in together by November 5th. translation: i have 3 weeks to shed a minimum of 4 pounds. i am continuing my restriction until i get home from work tomorrow, around midnight. if i am feeling weak, then maybe i will order a salad and eat it before work. Nothing besides excessive restricting can cut me down to size. It is sad that 98lbs has now become a milestone/goal for me when it used to be the norm. :( But i know my own strength and i know that i can do this.

I have watched a couple of videos on youtube for thinspo support. they were breathtaking and i only regret that i can't copy and paste the photos. i need more places to search for thinspo besides google and photobucket. i don't kno where to begin or what terms to use.
Nevertheless, i will remain strong, take those vitamins and race for my milestone.


Thursday, October 14, 2010


Have i mentioned how big my thighs are? if i don't do something soon I am going to have a figure... wait, i am doing something. but its at this time in the journey that i get impatient. It takes time to lose weight. I know this in theory. it doesn't keep me from hoping that one day i still might just wake up skinny as hell. i still cannot breathe properly so a run is out of the question. i swore that i would use the 3 1/2 hour break I have later to do homework but maybe I will just go for a walk in my forest... then i wont want to return to school so maybe i will just walk around campus. regardless, the weight needs to be lost. Yesterday I had an english muffin, a bowl of bland homemade chicken noodle soop, and a bowl of ice cream. I could have nixed the ice cream i suppose..... today, i ate a mini bagel(100). I have already decided that i have reached my intake for today. skinny skinny skinny.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Staying strong

The last traces of a cough still linger in my body. I am getting edgy and excited to renew my endeavours. I can see clearly the weight I've gained. It is embarrassing. I can already feel the pleasure or watching my thighs, my stomach my arms just disappear. I forgot about the THRILL! Tomorrow I begin cutting down. I do not want to reinstate my cough. Perhaps by Friday I can do a fast.
96 pounds here I come

Saturday, October 9, 2010


I have had a bad cough for the last few days. Of course I would get sick as soon as I decided to renew my efforts to be thin. I feel ashamed of myself. I belbelieve I have reached 102 pounds. That is a record for me since the last 5 years.
I have not been idle but have been printing pages of thinspo and gluing them to my journal. I am very motivated to begin & can't wait until this cold leaves.
Every 3 months I visit the clinic for my birth control & they always weigh me. My goal is to be 96 pounds for my next visit. That should be sometime in December I believe. It seems such a high number for a long goal but im assuming I will lose 2 pounds a month at least. Anything below 96 is still welcome.

Stay strong ladies!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Oh girls. how quickly i come and go.
im always here in my desperate times of need.
life is just too difficult and when i dont know what to do, i return here because its the one thing i am sure of.
i have made promises before. justified my negligent behavior but no more!! things are different this time! i swear! i can hardly eat if i wanted to. i am homeless. i sleep on floors and bouncce from one house to another, uncomfortable everywhere.
books are my companion now. books and you girls. what else do i need?
i have begun my new job at applebees.
prayerfully we are in the new house on firday.
august 24 is my first day of school--18 entire credit hours.
i must begin the process to buy a new car.
i am in the midst of many changes. i need a constant variable. hold me accountable.
Now, finally, a solid goal to hold me to...
97 pounds by the time we get into the new house....
it would be sooner except that my scale is packed and I cannot find it.
also, it may raise suspicions if i decide to find a scale and only a scale amid all the rubble. until next time ladies.
much love to you darling ana.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

been far away for far too long

Ana come back!!

Ladies, keep me here! I need less of the boyfriend and more of this dedication! My absences and weight gains are inexcusable!

No more of that! My goal is not set in stone but instead I shall just keep going. My first weigh in day:when the scale is unpacked at the new house. A couple of weeks.

CW: 104

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Triumphant Return

this goes to show that no matter how long we are away from ana, we always make it back.

i have lost everything i care about in life. my heart is crippled. me and michael are over. have been for about 5-6 weeks. two weeks ago i had sex with a man 6 years older than me. he doesn't talk to me anymore... i am transforming into someone i dont recognize.

i type this with acrylic fingernails. i just came home from the tanning salon. im on birth control now. dyed my hair, and just got it trim. appearance has once again become everything to me. i am 96 pounds and i think that as a last item on my TO BE BEAUTIFUL list, i need to drop down to 88. let the world watch me diasappear riht in front of their eyes.

i crave numbness. i hate choking back these tears. i need that weed. it helps me sleep. it makes me, not forget, just not care.

the only thing i ever wanted in life was to be loved. preferably by michael. that is dead and gone. i want that, but i suppose i am better off alone.
thank god, ana is always here for me. no matter what.

i have a long summer ahead of me. i will be looking forward to spending it with her.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

sometimes we run away just to see if someone cares enough to follow.

Im running Michael.
Chase me.
In a few months I may slow down. catch me. when i am falling
catch me
im here but not for long.

watch me disappear. catch me before i am to little to be caught before i run through your fingers like sand.
the sands of time are running out.
im here but so is spring.
the pounds are not here. i will not be here forever.
im running michael. catch me.
Before I self destruct.

Monday, March 22, 2010

aLice in Wonderland

Where have I been? Too much to write but I'm back. Still strong and getting stronger. I'm ignoring the scale. Only physical evidence counts not numbers. Those pants will fit,the worry will increase in others forehead, compliments will roll in...

Welcome back spring
Welcome back

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Shamrock Shakes

Yes, I am craving one big time. A large with whip cream and a cherry on top.
350.. that's how many calories a small has. A small.
So, I am trying to avoid that blunder today although I ate two very large bowls of kix with NON fat free milk... only because I was too lazy to grab the fat free from behind it. Why do I have both kinds anyways? Ah yes, the boyfriend was here. Ugh.

Maybe I will just say FUCK IT! and get that large shake....The weather is gradually warming up and I have committed to exercising at first opportunity. Instead of driving around my campus, I park the car and I walk to all my classes. So, that ought to help some. When its a bit warmer than 30 degrees I will walk to fill the time between my classes as well, usually about an hour and a half. Major burning there.

When spring is in full swing, I am running, daily. School is only so long and my job SUCKS so I most likely will not work at all this summer, in which case, I will be in the pool swimming and in all other ways, exercising.

That seemed nonchalant, but it does irk me that I get absolutley NO hours at work. i have failed to get another job and I have been trying for quite some time. Hopefully, things pick up in the fall. If it wasn't for the boyfriend, I'd be royally screwed. Or back at my parents house which is definitely not happening.

Ahh, only a few more years until I can settle into a career, provided I get one, and all these silly worries will be behind me.

Monday, March 1, 2010


i need a structure.... a plan, a well thought out plan. For this week, I think I will sit down and organize and plan my every move until i have a neat structure. This way, I can avoid downfalls. If it's not on the agenda, then don't do it, or don't eat it.

Today, I must drink a minimum of 3 water bottles, I may go over, hopefully.

No food whatsoever today.

Also, during my last class of the day, I may have one cup of coffee to keep away the hunger pain. (6o cals)

When I get home, I am doing homework and cleaning. Then, I will fall asleep.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Frustrated beyond belief

I do so well for so many days! i had severely restricted for 3 days in a row! and then one day i ate and never stopped! now tomorrow i am going to a buffet for my biological mother. unfortunately. the last few days were meant to be fasted to make up for the indulgences tomorrow. But it seems that the best time to starve is during the week when i am at school.

there is no point in beating myself up. that doesn't accoplish a thing. i bought a pair of mini shorts yesterday, in black. they are my motivation. and when im skinny, it will be a reward to just look great in them!

I have taken pro active steps to help myself reach my goals: each day, I plan on doing several repititions of squats and/or lunges. 30 each time but every time i get a moment i will do some. this way it helps tone my thighs. in the mean timem i am still cutting back on food. i will be skinny. I am making a time limit this time too. By March 26th, I need to be 90 pounds. And by April 4th, 88. I think that these are reasonable expectations.

I must also up my water intake to the point of abuse. at least two bottles an hour. I need to focus on that like its a task, like dishes or laundry.

And i leave on that note....
on to my water now
stay strong ladies. stronger than me
CW: up again to 97. fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat...imperfect

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Keeping Kontrol

must have.. Pictures, Images and PhotosI am continuing to restrict. i am still at 95 pounds however. though i must admit that this is far better than 97. The only thing I had so far today was a salad. I am tempted to eat a pizza lunchable.

Thank God this house is void of junk food. Otherwise, we would have a massive binger on our hands.

Yesterday, my oldest sister texted me. We are going to the Golden Corral for my biological mother's birthday. It is a buffet filled with wonderful things. In other words, its a personal hell, my undoing. So, knowing that I will eat, knowing that i will over eat, I will compensate before I go to counteract any damage inflicted. Friday, Saturday, and until Sunday evening, I don't plan on eating.
In all honesty, I dont really plan on eating tomorrow either, but I must keep up some strength.

i think that after restricting for two weeks, I will be at my goal weight of 88. But, I must wonder, will my body reflect those numbers? I believe that I must starve longer in order to chieve the look.

But for now, repeating those numbers in my head will keep me going

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Day Dreaming

Sometimes I just wish that all the buildings would disappear. And all the trees,cars,street lights,people, animals, ... just everything. Just so I can see nothing but the sky. Endless blue with clouds or without. Its all beautiful to me
I want to move to the country,some rural place far from here. Skinny me and Michael. Forever.

But there's a hindrance. I know how to get skinmy,how to be skinny but how do I stay skinny? Even those deepest in denial know that you cannot starve forever. Its a forever thing sure,but its a vicious cycle too.

And one day i want kids. I can't have them in this state. So. Then what?

I had an orange
Beside a diet soda to get me through class, I'm done eating today

Day 2 of Fast

I really should change the title to "restriction" I stumbled. I was hungry. It started out good, 1 strawberry, 1 cup of sugar free jello and 5 grape tomatoes. But then, I had a little piece of steak and some rice... I feel awful. It can't have been that many calories but I feel bloody awful. Other than that I am doing ok. I stepped on the scale today... thankfully, I am down 2 pounds... Now i am at 95. 2 more pounds and I will be back at my acceptable weight... and my first goal weight.

I have school later. The same routine. School, then come home and relax until I pass out...from hunger or exhaustion. It all depends. I am, embarrased to say, watching the Hannah Montana Movie. Although, if you look at Miley, she is such a great thinspiration. She has tiny legs!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Fruits and Vegetables

I eat plenty of vegetables but I always have to add the butter and garlic... I think that I will try to stop doing that and just eat the veggies plain or at least with a healthier alternative. Also, I believe that this Spring I am going to start gorging more on fruits. I'm talking watermelons, bananas, rasberries, strawberries, kiwis, oranges, pears, and apples. I will try to eat only fruits for...let's say 7 days. Like a detox. I want to find more organic fruit though to make it even better!

I am shaking and tingly and so high! I love this hunger feeling of absolute control! I can hardly wait for tomorrow to begin this again!!

tripped up

I had non diet soda and coffee today. A minor set back but I think I will survive. When I get home,I'm taking a hot bath and then watch a movie and fall asleep. I will probably watch my show too.

All in all, less than 400 calories. Its not great but its still not bad. Just slowly building up my control again.

I really have missed the hunger though. I forgot how powerful you become!

day 1

I am on my first day of another attempted fast. I have had a couple glasses of water and a little bite of a cookie. I just want to shed these pounds quick. I think it will just get me ahead of the game for summer. When I reach my first big milestone goal weight (93) I am getting a pair of black jeans. Skinny jeans most likely. I think that its only appropriate.

I am again on the public bus on my way to school. Its going to be a rough evening but I'm looking forward to a deflated stomach tonight.

Reward - black jeans

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Im hungry. I'm so hungry.
I already chowed on a bag of combos.
I ate some sugar-free jello but I am so hungry.
I want to give up or give in.
But, I mustn't. This is too big and too important. I believe that I can do this.

Tomorrow, I work. Huge distraction. Let's just hope that I can make it through tonight.

God help me.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Feeling so much stonger

I don't feel like i need to eat like i have in the past. those cravings and longings have seemed to just vanish. i keep seeing these images in my mind. they are burned in there. its like i can actually see what it is that i am trying to obtain.

i want this so bad. somtimes in my spare time, i can almost feel what it must be like to be so small and tiny. so thin and beautiful. anything looks good on you when you are so delicate!

i get the feeling that this may be it. it is not too long before summer will be here. i suppose you can say that it my set goal date. Just summer. of course, the sooner the better. i get so excited but then i also get really nervous.

What if I already fucked up?

In my opinion, i think that I don't eat that much. perhaps this is why i must continue to use numbers and numbers only. numbers never lie. however, i am petrified that maybe my body is at the point when i can no longer lose any more weight. ridiculous as it sounds, maybe i am in starvation mode. if so, how do i drag myself out of it?

i also do not understand how i could possibly be 90 pounds in the summer and gained all of that crap back? i believe that i am at a high of 97 pounds since i have left my parents house.

i will not continue to weight that much. i know i can do this. i am doing this. i just have to be careful so that when i do actually eat, it is not detrimental to my weight.

Just keep telling myself
88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88
Pure Beauty