Sunday, November 29, 2009

What's Left of Me

I woke up at 1:47 AM by a deluge of texts from Michael. He was not saying anything of consequence. It was just a series of question marks, one right after the other. Over 180 text messages and when I woke up, they still had not finished sending. To solve the problem, I hacked into his yahoo email, since our accounts are still linked and he has yet to realize it, and I changed his password. He bothered me around 3:30 to ask what his password is, cussing me out and saying "WTF FUKKIN BITCH"

I was left in peace while I shopped at Target and for several hours at work. After we had closed the store, he interrupted my tranquility. He began by asking me how I was, as if nothing had occurred between us. I responed optimistically, saying I was just fine. He volleyed back with a "thats what you say now." He continued on telling me that it was funny how he never had an interview before with my number on the application but as soon as he used Shannon's, he had an interview. I knew he was just trying to get in my head and I was not taking the bait. He proceeded to thank me for his social card and his state ID in an attempt to piss me off. I replied curtly. No problem. The rest of the converasation is vague. He called me controlling for not allowing him to have female friends He told me that he was having a good life now that he had friends. I asked hi, if he was so happy, then why was he continously bugging me. He swore that it was because there was something about me that he loved and he would not let go of me. I let him know that I was letting go and I abruptly ended the conversation by hitting "ignore contact."

It was hard to hold back the tears after that exchange. He was trying to get to me and he succeeded. Thank God, I did not cry, but I was hurt. Very hurt. This all came from a boy I loved. A boy that part of me still loves. I don't even recognize who he is any more. He is so mean and cruel, so viscious and hurtful. No part of me desires to have me back but every fiber in my being just wants every connection we have to be severed. I want to hurt him so much back. I don't understand why he would put up with me for so long if he was so unhappy. Maybe because to him, I really do have the looks and that was all he was after? He was always all over me, so possibly he was here just for the sex? I guess I will never really know because there are times I have asked him and he swore he just loved me for me, my personality. Nothing else.

How much time do you think it will take for all of this to heal? I really don't know but I think that if I keep open holes for him to crawl through to me, it's never going to heal, so i believe it is time to change a few things around here, beggining with my e-mail.