Saturday, February 27, 2010

Frustrated beyond belief

I do so well for so many days! i had severely restricted for 3 days in a row! and then one day i ate and never stopped! now tomorrow i am going to a buffet for my biological mother. unfortunately. the last few days were meant to be fasted to make up for the indulgences tomorrow. But it seems that the best time to starve is during the week when i am at school.

there is no point in beating myself up. that doesn't accoplish a thing. i bought a pair of mini shorts yesterday, in black. they are my motivation. and when im skinny, it will be a reward to just look great in them!

I have taken pro active steps to help myself reach my goals: each day, I plan on doing several repititions of squats and/or lunges. 30 each time but every time i get a moment i will do some. this way it helps tone my thighs. in the mean timem i am still cutting back on food. i will be skinny. I am making a time limit this time too. By March 26th, I need to be 90 pounds. And by April 4th, 88. I think that these are reasonable expectations.

I must also up my water intake to the point of abuse. at least two bottles an hour. I need to focus on that like its a task, like dishes or laundry.

And i leave on that note....
on to my water now
stay strong ladies. stronger than me
CW: up again to 97. fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat...imperfect

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Keeping Kontrol

must have.. Pictures, Images and PhotosI am continuing to restrict. i am still at 95 pounds however. though i must admit that this is far better than 97. The only thing I had so far today was a salad. I am tempted to eat a pizza lunchable.

Thank God this house is void of junk food. Otherwise, we would have a massive binger on our hands.

Yesterday, my oldest sister texted me. We are going to the Golden Corral for my biological mother's birthday. It is a buffet filled with wonderful things. In other words, its a personal hell, my undoing. So, knowing that I will eat, knowing that i will over eat, I will compensate before I go to counteract any damage inflicted. Friday, Saturday, and until Sunday evening, I don't plan on eating.
In all honesty, I dont really plan on eating tomorrow either, but I must keep up some strength.

i think that after restricting for two weeks, I will be at my goal weight of 88. But, I must wonder, will my body reflect those numbers? I believe that I must starve longer in order to chieve the look.

But for now, repeating those numbers in my head will keep me going

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Day Dreaming

Sometimes I just wish that all the buildings would disappear. And all the trees,cars,street lights,people, animals, ... just everything. Just so I can see nothing but the sky. Endless blue with clouds or without. Its all beautiful to me
I want to move to the country,some rural place far from here. Skinny me and Michael. Forever.

But there's a hindrance. I know how to get skinmy,how to be skinny but how do I stay skinny? Even those deepest in denial know that you cannot starve forever. Its a forever thing sure,but its a vicious cycle too.

And one day i want kids. I can't have them in this state. So. Then what?

I had an orange
Beside a diet soda to get me through class, I'm done eating today

Day 2 of Fast

I really should change the title to "restriction" I stumbled. I was hungry. It started out good, 1 strawberry, 1 cup of sugar free jello and 5 grape tomatoes. But then, I had a little piece of steak and some rice... I feel awful. It can't have been that many calories but I feel bloody awful. Other than that I am doing ok. I stepped on the scale today... thankfully, I am down 2 pounds... Now i am at 95. 2 more pounds and I will be back at my acceptable weight... and my first goal weight.

I have school later. The same routine. School, then come home and relax until I pass out...from hunger or exhaustion. It all depends. I am, embarrased to say, watching the Hannah Montana Movie. Although, if you look at Miley, she is such a great thinspiration. She has tiny legs!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Fruits and Vegetables

I eat plenty of vegetables but I always have to add the butter and garlic... I think that I will try to stop doing that and just eat the veggies plain or at least with a healthier alternative. Also, I believe that this Spring I am going to start gorging more on fruits. I'm talking watermelons, bananas, rasberries, strawberries, kiwis, oranges, pears, and apples. I will try to eat only fruits for...let's say 7 days. Like a detox. I want to find more organic fruit though to make it even better!

I am shaking and tingly and so high! I love this hunger feeling of absolute control! I can hardly wait for tomorrow to begin this again!!

tripped up

I had non diet soda and coffee today. A minor set back but I think I will survive. When I get home,I'm taking a hot bath and then watch a movie and fall asleep. I will probably watch my show too.

All in all, less than 400 calories. Its not great but its still not bad. Just slowly building up my control again.

I really have missed the hunger though. I forgot how powerful you become!

day 1

I am on my first day of another attempted fast. I have had a couple glasses of water and a little bite of a cookie. I just want to shed these pounds quick. I think it will just get me ahead of the game for summer. When I reach my first big milestone goal weight (93) I am getting a pair of black jeans. Skinny jeans most likely. I think that its only appropriate.

I am again on the public bus on my way to school. Its going to be a rough evening but I'm looking forward to a deflated stomach tonight.

Reward - black jeans

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Im hungry. I'm so hungry.
I already chowed on a bag of combos.
I ate some sugar-free jello but I am so hungry.
I want to give up or give in.
But, I mustn't. This is too big and too important. I believe that I can do this.

Tomorrow, I work. Huge distraction. Let's just hope that I can make it through tonight.

God help me.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Feeling so much stonger

I don't feel like i need to eat like i have in the past. those cravings and longings have seemed to just vanish. i keep seeing these images in my mind. they are burned in there. its like i can actually see what it is that i am trying to obtain.

i want this so bad. somtimes in my spare time, i can almost feel what it must be like to be so small and tiny. so thin and beautiful. anything looks good on you when you are so delicate!

i get the feeling that this may be it. it is not too long before summer will be here. i suppose you can say that it my set goal date. Just summer. of course, the sooner the better. i get so excited but then i also get really nervous.

What if I already fucked up?

In my opinion, i think that I don't eat that much. perhaps this is why i must continue to use numbers and numbers only. numbers never lie. however, i am petrified that maybe my body is at the point when i can no longer lose any more weight. ridiculous as it sounds, maybe i am in starvation mode. if so, how do i drag myself out of it?

i also do not understand how i could possibly be 90 pounds in the summer and gained all of that crap back? i believe that i am at a high of 97 pounds since i have left my parents house.

i will not continue to weight that much. i know i can do this. i am doing this. i just have to be careful so that when i do actually eat, it is not detrimental to my weight.

Just keep telling myself
88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88 88
Pure Beauty

Minor Setback:overcome

I consider myself well enough to start starving again. I have had a grand total of 250 cals today so I am doing good. I am just going to keep this up and see where I get. I have a new image in my mind: me, walking into school with mini shorts and knee high socks, rail thin. Men's jaws will drop. 88... here I come.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

public transportation

I find it degrading. But after wrecking my car I suppose I deserve it. I pretend like its just another adventure in my wonderland. I don't like this part of the story. So I listen to the all American Rejects and pretend that all is well. And soon, I suppose it will be. I am still ill but hope to recover soon so that I can starve into my jeans again.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Life is too big for some people. Life is insurmountable.
But there are some of us who, when knocked down, are strong enough to jump right back up and try again.

Life crashed my car. Life made me broke. Life made me sick so therefore bceause of life, I am fat.
But, life has not stopped my loan. Life will allow another car. Life will eventually find me well again.

I will surmount life when I am not sick and I can starve peaceably again.

:.Mini shorts.:

Saturday, February 13, 2010

after the accident

I learned that life is just too big for some of us. We just can't make it here. We're consumed by the problems and pulled down with our failures. Some of us just won't make it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


I cannot believe that I finally have a phone that has internet. It makes everything easier for me. I can view thinspo whenever. I can count calories electronically. Its amazing. I am thrilled. I mentioned earlier that I am on a liquid fast. I am exxited to watch those pounds drop. More good news. I walk to all my classes now. Exercise: )

Slim Fast

I have been gaining weight. There is no more hiding that fact. Even when I don't write the reality, it is still there. Real, tangible.

My jeans. My $90 jeans. Tight, Really tight. The ass used to sag on me. Beauty? gone. Irreplaceable? I don't think so.

I bought Slim Fast powder. And Skim milk. I drink a glass in the morning (to take my vitamin) and I am good for the rest of the day. (200 Cals.)

Hopefully, if I do this long enough, I can shed some weight. I know I will.

I don't want to weigh myself yet. I think I am going oto hold off on that. Instead, once or twice a week, I am going to put these jeans back on and see how they fit. That will be my mesurement.

I already picked out the teeny tiny shorts I want. Now I need to slim down enough to squeeze my fat ass in them.
I can do it. I really can.

90 Pounds... Here I come

Sunday, February 7, 2010

He was supposed to spend the day with me. He told me he took off. Now he is gone on his way to work. I will be alone at the party. I hate him. Fuck my life.

Friday, February 5, 2010

I didnt lack the motivation to begin my new regiment today. It includes Jillians workout (45 minutes) every day. And i think that i an going to try a liq

Its nice to know that i can blog straight from my phone. I didnt know that it could. This will definitely help me with my temptations. It turns out that

Going to get a blondie sundae to feed my fat ass. New regiment on Monday.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


I ate soup today so I could take my vitamin... it was supposed to be my one meal!
Unfortunately, my mother called and invited me to dinner tonight. So now I am going to her house... I already consumed like 230 Calories!! I can not possibly put more in my body!

Maybe if I don't panic I can get through this. I am not sure what she is cooking but I will try my best to keep my intake below 600. Actually, 370 because I already had 230.

Why do I freak out when I don't know the caloric intake of a certain food? I must only eat foods that I know.

My Immortal

Reading your blogs, all you ladies, the way you speak is so romantic and poetic. It takes me to another place, like reading a fairy tale. And that is really all were after isn't it? But, some of us, almost all of us, have the capacity to bring these fantasies into a reality! It is a gift, a power, beyond anyone to understand.

I want to be thin. That is my fairy tale. I want to stand aloft and look down at myself from heaven. I would see my entire life in black and white. Long, beautiful curly hair, brunette. Perfectly polished nails in black, fingers resting on a protruding hip bone. A flowing dress, custom made to cling to the tiny thighs, around each stunning rib, barring just barely there cleavage. My skin, even in black and white, luminescent pearl, mistaken maybe for the common word "pale."

My fairy tale does not encompass one aspect. But, each segment branches out from that one main idea. Skinny is my plot. Everything else merely is there just to make the story more appealing, a book worth reading, making the trip into my wonderland, immortal.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A Good Sign?

I did not get my period for January. Two prengnancy tests said negative. For the last few months, my cycle has been irregular. It sends somewhat of a thrill through me because to me, this is like a sign that I am finally thin! I will hold on the applause because my stomach is unsettled right now. Perhaps my period is yet to come. But, either way, I need to miss my period for three solid months in order for me to even think about honoring this.

The awful truth is that I am not even that thin. I hsve plateaued at 95. I miss the days when I was 90. And yet there is still hope in my mind. I believe I will see those again! Yesterday, I didn't eat that much. Even if I was being immodest, I would still say that I have consumed far less than 500 calories that day. Today, I hat two scrambled eggs with cheese in it, a glass of milk, and my multivitamin.

It is this tiny pill that makes me eat. I need it to keep my body healthy. But, it makes me sick to my stomach unless I eat something with it.

I suppose a better choice would have been broth instead of my heavy breakfast. But, I guess I will just wean myself off of food. Tomorrow, I will just have broth. And, possibly Friday as well. This Sunday is my sister's baby shower and I am bound to eat. So I must take these preventative measures. Even if I don't lose, at least I won't gain. And that is something. Who knows? Perhaps I will lose something. If so, won't I just be such a happy woman?

Monday, February 1, 2010

Holy Hell

Holy hell what do i do to burn these calores????
I must fit in that dress this weekend!
I need to be perfect! What happened to my commitment?
Time is ticking...5 more days. How much weight can I possibly lose in 5 days???
I need 3 just to begin to lose weight; then, I can assume I will lose 1-2 pounds per day after that initial first pound is dropped. So... 5 pounds can be lost. Ok, I guess that is ok.

im freaking out.
Bag of BBQ Chips:120
Apple Pie:450
Quizno's Sub:500

Barely even a deficit. Holy hell.
My life is officially over. Nothing else for today except lots of water, some coffee and a diet soda because I am dying of thirst. Damn.
My life is in shambles.
I need to lower my body fat percentage by the way. Another reason why I am FLIPPING out.
I need to g odo something constructive. And fidget.

Holy hell.
5 days.