Plagued

I am plagued by a guilty conscience. Not because I have filled my body with fattening, disgusting impurities but because I still come on here. I feel like I cheated and should not be allowed to look any longer on these beautiful girls.

I have this feeling...it is a confident one. I have a time frame to drop 5 pounds now. And a reward at the end. But, I have never been so pressed for time before, I have never been put in this predicament. Before next sunday, 2/7, I want to be 90 pounds. That is my goal. I am setting it high for myself. I have a feeling that this time it will happen. It will happen just in time for my sister's baby shower on Sunday. I am so excited for this to begin.

I beging fasting Sunday, unless my parents come for dinner. Then, it will be Sunday night. But, by Wednesday, I want to have 72 hours in by then. After those 72 hours, the pounds will probably just drop effortlessly off my body. If necessary, I will take in sugar-free jello and chicken broth, 5 and 15 calories a serving respectively.


I gotta feeling....

Biggest Fear

I am getting engaged this year. Just waiting for the funds to come from my boyfriend.
But I worry about life after marriage. About kids. There are some things you just don't google. I don't want to know the statistics of girls with eating disorders losing their child, or birth defects, or....inheritance not of intrisnic value but of fatality...

{Frustrated!}

I have been teetering back and forth between 95 and 94 pounds and it is begginning to drive me crazy! I alwayss research things online about fasts and water tips, and nutrition information. But, maybe I should quit that because it just scares me by making me think that I will end up fatter if I fast. But, I just want to fast long enough so that I can drop to 90 pounds or maybe 92. I have been trying the >300 calories method but I don't think that is working for me. I always slip up.


I keep losing my grip on my control and it is driving me insane! I need something to thoroughly distract me. Or maybe, I just need the absence of my one biggest distraction...

Michael will not be staying here everyday starting on Monday. Most likely just the weekends now. Hopefully this helps.

I have a baby shower, my sister's, to attend February 7th. I intend on looking my best. So, I just want to lose 5 pounds before then.

Think I can do it?

I am going to grab my water out of my trunk and start abusing it. Hopefully this helps as well.

BMI:17.2

http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/


According to this site, that is my BMI. I am continuing with my >300 calories a day. It seems more effective than starving downright. But, I suppose I will stave certain days too. I lost my control yesterday and miraculously, I am still 94 pounds.

One more pound until my new phone!!!

Right now, I am going to look up water abuse and how it may help me lose weight.

I have been anorexic a couple times and the last time, i ate around 0-300 calories a day and lost around 3 pounds per day.But that started acouple days after i started not eating.And some days i would lose more and some days i would lose less.But i did lose alot

I also found that on the web so I need to remember that when I fast, do it for longer than a day!

On and Off Again

Yea, that 1 pound is coming on and off because I am not doing this right! I can't even fast longer than 2 days! It sucks. Today, I am not eating anything except maybe 1 or 2 chicken wings because if I starve, I end up eating more the next day. I would much rather starve, but maybe this way is better.

If my boyfriend didn't live with me, it might be a little bit easier for me not to eat. He is the only reason why I make dinner. So, I will fast on occasions, but when I am not fasting, I will restrict. Today, I will consume less than 300 calories.

I have this little book in my purse with me that I write everything I ate and how much I weigh ect. But, I started making lists too. Lists about "bad foods" that I must never touch, like cool whip. And "Bad Foods Except With Moderation" like coffee or diet soda. I also listed how much of each ingredient on the nutrition label is good. "No more than 5g of sugar for any food excluding fruits." "Good Foods" include sugar-free jello, and teddy grahms. Teddy Grahms are only 130 calories for 24. And, as my snack for the day, that could really fill me up.

So, as of right now, my goal is >300 Cals today. By June First 2010, I want to be 88 pounds. I have also set up a stepping stone system paired with rewards. Instead of my goal to be 94-88, its 95-93, Reward: New Cell Phone. As I get skinnier, I have rewards like (93-90) black jeans, and (90-88) white skinny jeans.

I am very excited about this. I am not going to weigh myself until Friday though. Sometimes the scale encourages me, and other times, it's a huge discouragement.

Fasting:: Lost 1 pound!

I just weighed myself and I have dropped to 94 pounds! I am so happy about that. I am just so shaky and weak and tired though so that sucks. But, I am eating sugar free jello to help. When I break this fast, I am just having chicken broth. Then, I will eat a salad. When I get more money, I am going to Trader Joe's to buy some healthy and organic food.
94 Pounds.. I might actually be able to do this!

24 Hour Mark

I have not eaten for a full 24 hours! Actually, I am moving into my 26th hour. I cannot wait until tomorrow! I already had head rushes, shakes, and weakness in the legs today. I also felt powerful, strong, and beautiful. Empty, pure, and euphoric! I want to feel it all again tomorrow!

The only thing that concerns me is that my pee is a slight yellow again. It is mandatory that I drink enough water to keep my urine clear. So I really need to work on that again. I might also have insomnia. Not good.

Thinspo{Legs}

FAT FAILURE

I HATE MYSELF MY LIFE AND MY BODY. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. IM FAT AND UGLY AND HUGE. MY JEANS HURT AND THEY SHOULDN'T I WANT TO BE PERFECT! YESERTDAY, I WAS READY FOR BED AND WAS ABOUT TO LAY DOWN AND I STILL ONLY HAD 60 CALS. THEN, MY BF AND I STARTED ARGUING VIA TEXT MESSAGES AND I STAYED UP...AND I WENT DIRECTLY TO THE FRIDGE AND DID A 1300 CALORIE BINGE. IM FAT AND DISGUTING. I HATE MY FUCKING SELF! I REFUSE TO EAT ANYTHING AT ALL THIS WEEKEND. NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I HAVE A BOOK THAT I WRITE EVERYTHING I EAT DOWN IN. TODAY I AM GOING TO MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I CAN DO TO AVOID EATING WHEN THE URGE IS THERE. I HATE MYSELF.

Thinspo{Hip Bones}

Thinspo{Legs}

I ate a total of 60 calories today. The pie is tempting me... but I must resist!

Guilty

I ate yesterday. It was spur of the moment. I had just recieved a phone call regarding an interview I was waiting for. I was so excited that I told my boyfriend we could eat at Burger King.( I had coupons) I invited my sister out of politeness and she suggested that we eat at Applebee's instead since that is where her boyfriend works and he was currently on the clock. Of course, I agreed and ate more than I should have. Once I eat, I sometimes use that as an excuse to continue eating since I have already failed once.
Today, I woke up with the intention of not eating. It was going well. I took my brother bowling and when we got back to my parent's house, the door was locked. He found $5 in his pockets so we went to Little Caesars. Their pizzas don't necessarily tempt me... but the crazy bread does. So I ordered for the two of us and blurted out
"And an order of crazy bread please." I did not think through the consequences. You know me. I ate almost all of them, all God only knows how many calories. I have hamburger helper planned for dinner for my boyfriend. I promise I won't touch that. We are going to watch According to Greta tonight with Hilary Duff which I am sure will be a thinspo inspiring movie. And tomorrow, I will exhale 0 at night.

Lastly, I would like to admit that somedays I don't come on here. Some days, I deliberately cringe away from the laptop. It is because I feel so guilty about haveing eaten something I shouldn't have. It always is. So, forgive me when I fail to update. I swear I will be 88 pounds before summer. I swear Ana. I swear.

Operation Distraction

So I willingly gave in today to each and every temptation. It is more than likely that the guilt will plague me tonight so badly that I will not be able to sleep. It is almost midnight and I am on the verge of being so exhausted that I just hit the pillow and fall asleep. If it weren't for this blog, I'd have been there already.

As a side note: I have produced, made by hand, a tutu. Black, dark pink, and light pink. It turned out quite nice and I look forward to showing off skinny legs this summer in the aformentioned tulle skirt.

That brings me to the next topic. Or rather, the other half of my life. As I already stated, I failed today on a majorly basis. But, that was with every intention of correcting my error tommorrow. It is difficult to be home all day and not eat. It is hard to fall asleep or put in a movie without a snack. Tomorrow I start school. It excites me because I am begginning new classes. But, it will also distract me to the point that when I get home at night I won't eat. I plan on holding to this new plan, nay a new operation because it is so much bigger than a plan.

I am thrilled.
I amy not have mentioned this, but I am planning to buy a pair of teeny tiny shorts this summer. I want to show off skinny legs. And I will. When I am 88 pounds, I will be beautiful.

Before I close, The Secret Life was very disappointing tonight-- except when Ricky made a move on Amy... I want them to hook up!

Worthless

I hate myself. I have been fasting and severely restricting for almost two weeks and apparently its not good enough! I haven't lost any weight and I haven't even gained. My boyfriend hurt me and so for the last two days I binged. But, before then, I was running and burning at least 200 calories when I did throwing me in negatives at the end of each day. Maybe thats why I'm not losing anything... I am just keeping everything balanced with my exercise and binges.

Today is a new day. I will spend the next couple of hours on this laptop, cleaning my room, or watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I am obsessed with that show. I have had a dream, not unpleasant, about Ricky Underwood two nights in a row. After that, I am going to leave for work at 2:40, and work until 8:45. Afterwards, I am going to come home and get ready for a party tonight at the Villa. It's a restaurant owned by my sister's boyfriend.

I have survived two days without Michael. He came yesterday and of course he pissed me off because he would not leave after I asked him too. I hate when he does that. I think I may be able to survive for quite a while longer too. Right now, he is at work. Then I will be at work, then a party. And tomorrow, I work all day too. Monday might be hard but I start school on Tuesday. So in the end, maybe this is the best thing.

I feel so worthless for not havving lost any weight. I am not eating today. Tonight, I will log onto this account, and I will proudly post that piece of news. I can be skinny and beautiful. I will be. I need to be.

Thinspo ++++

Moderation

This is my second post of the day but I feel like it needs to be written. I have just gotten out of the bath. I have been in there for a good 45 minutes, reading Marya's book. It is addicting and beautiful, though sad that her disorder began so young. It seems disrespectful of me that she wrote such a book to help young teens, or anybody suffereing from an eating disorder, that I turn to this book as a help guid, a life line, thinspiration. Indeed, I must control my intake of this book as much as I control the calories that I put into my body. I feel that if I read this book slowly, and in portions no bigger than 75 pages a day, I can make it last longer, so that I can last longer. This is not the first book that I have gained insight or inspiration from though. There are other books and to be honest, they are not actually related to any eating disorder at all. A Great and Terrible Beauty is such a book. It's mesmerizing. It is possible that it is not the contents of the books that give me such strength. It could be that the object itself, the story that I immerge myself in, the characters that hold me captive. It could be those. It brings me to an alternate reality, where nothing is real. Yet I long for it to be such. I must sigh at the end of any good book because, well, the book is over, the journey, the adventure. Its done, its all over.

Back to reality, I have almost finished my second bottle of water out of my daily requirement of 3. My boyfriend and I will watch a movie later, with popcorn as I suggested. I even told him that I might just eat some. Thank God I came to my senses. I think I may just continue to enjoy the protests in my stomach just a little bit longer.

Systematic Approach

I think that I may finally get it. I have been reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. Its a memoir of anorexia and bulimia. She writes of a system that helps her eat just enough and never too much. I think I may try that. Sam told me that Adam is going to buy Wii Fit tonight. I plan on making use of that if it comes about. This morining, I ran for about 20 minutes with Michael. I burned close to 200 calories but I have since then consumed that and perhaps more. I ate a few orange slices for a breakfast(32)a fit and active snack from Aldi's(90)a sucker(60)a sugar daddy,(53)and I picked off of Sam and Michael's food from Taco Bell(70). That brings my total intake of calories to 305. That is pretty much disgusting and unaacceptable. Between walking through the mall and my run this morining, I maybe burned 352 calories. Which means only a 47 calorie deficit. I am thinking that I mus do something to offset this. I wish to continue reading that book so maybe I will just fidget. I would also like to watch that movie, The best little girl in the world.

Fuck My Life

Everything in my life seems to be going wrong. I just want to bury a hole, a thin line in the ground, just wide enough to bury myself in. I am losing hours at work due to a terrible game of favoritism. I have searched for a new job. I applied, and handed in resumes. I have e-mailed, called, and talked to people in person. I have asked connections and for prayer. I have done everything possible and am still stuck at the same, no money job. I have no more enthusiasm for anything else. I am mad at God. I asked him, begged him, to help me, to let me just please get this job. Did I? Of course not. Apparently, I am not good enough, for him or any other employer. I refuse to eat. I won't. Because then, maybe somebody will notice and they just might care. I am just wondering how I am expected to pay $330 a month when I don't even make that much? He is a cruel God. I will starve and he has to watch. I would much rather die, but before I do, at least I will be beautiful.

SleepyHead :: Passion Pit

i had a maximum of 130 calories yesterday because I couldn't resist the macaroni and cheese. This morning I indulged in some 90 calorie rice cake snacks. If worse comes to worse I believe I shall just make myself some sugar- free jello. I weighed myself this morning, with a tank top and jeans on. It tipped all the way to 95. It doesn't feel like I am losing any weight at all! I need to work harder. I will weigh in again tonight and I will also post a new picture under the before and after blog. In the first picture, I was 96 pounds so at least I lost something. But, I promise to try harder.

Empty and Pure

I knew that I could eventually do it. I know I have that kind of strength. Its this strength that got me so far. For the last few days, I just had too much food in my system. Every night I felt full. But, tonight, I have pure emptiness. Tonight, when I count the calories I have consumed for the day, I will take one deep breath in, and exhale nice and softly... 0

The journey is difficult but the results are worth it. Now for my reassurance, I will google exactly how many pounds I will lose on such a fast. Then, soon, I may just begin my own section off tips and tricks to help other girls.

Olsen Twins

Emmy Rossum