Thinspo{Hip Bones}

Thinspo{Legs}

I ate a total of 60 calories today. The pie is tempting me... but I must resist!

Guilty

I ate yesterday. It was spur of the moment. I had just recieved a phone call regarding an interview I was waiting for. I was so excited that I told my boyfriend we could eat at Burger King.( I had coupons) I invited my sister out of politeness and she suggested that we eat at Applebee's instead since that is where her boyfriend works and he was currently on the clock. Of course, I agreed and ate more than I should have. Once I eat, I sometimes use that as an excuse to continue eating since I have already failed once.
Today, I woke up with the intention of not eating. It was going well. I took my brother bowling and when we got back to my parent's house, the door was locked. He found $5 in his pockets so we went to Little Caesars. Their pizzas don't necessarily tempt me... but the crazy bread does. So I ordered for the two of us and blurted out
"And an order of crazy bread please." I did not think through the consequences. You know me. I ate almost all of them, all God only knows how many calories. I have hamburger helper planned for dinner for my boyfriend. I promise I won't touch that. We are going to watch According to Greta tonight with Hilary Duff which I am sure will be a thinspo inspiring movie. And tomorrow, I will exhale 0 at night.

Lastly, I would like to admit that somedays I don't come on here. Some days, I deliberately cringe away from the laptop. It is because I feel so guilty about haveing eaten something I shouldn't have. It always is. So, forgive me when I fail to update. I swear I will be 88 pounds before summer. I swear Ana. I swear.

Operation Distraction

So I willingly gave in today to each and every temptation. It is more than likely that the guilt will plague me tonight so badly that I will not be able to sleep. It is almost midnight and I am on the verge of being so exhausted that I just hit the pillow and fall asleep. If it weren't for this blog, I'd have been there already.

As a side note: I have produced, made by hand, a tutu. Black, dark pink, and light pink. It turned out quite nice and I look forward to showing off skinny legs this summer in the aformentioned tulle skirt.

That brings me to the next topic. Or rather, the other half of my life. As I already stated, I failed today on a majorly basis. But, that was with every intention of correcting my error tommorrow. It is difficult to be home all day and not eat. It is hard to fall asleep or put in a movie without a snack. Tomorrow I start school. It excites me because I am begginning new classes. But, it will also distract me to the point that when I get home at night I won't eat. I plan on holding to this new plan, nay a new operation because it is so much bigger than a plan.

I am thrilled.
I amy not have mentioned this, but I am planning to buy a pair of teeny tiny shorts this summer. I want to show off skinny legs. And I will. When I am 88 pounds, I will be beautiful.

Before I close, The Secret Life was very disappointing tonight-- except when Ricky made a move on Amy... I want them to hook up!

Worthless

I hate myself. I have been fasting and severely restricting for almost two weeks and apparently its not good enough! I haven't lost any weight and I haven't even gained. My boyfriend hurt me and so for the last two days I binged. But, before then, I was running and burning at least 200 calories when I did throwing me in negatives at the end of each day. Maybe thats why I'm not losing anything... I am just keeping everything balanced with my exercise and binges.

Today is a new day. I will spend the next couple of hours on this laptop, cleaning my room, or watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I am obsessed with that show. I have had a dream, not unpleasant, about Ricky Underwood two nights in a row. After that, I am going to leave for work at 2:40, and work until 8:45. Afterwards, I am going to come home and get ready for a party tonight at the Villa. It's a restaurant owned by my sister's boyfriend.

I have survived two days without Michael. He came yesterday and of course he pissed me off because he would not leave after I asked him too. I hate when he does that. I think I may be able to survive for quite a while longer too. Right now, he is at work. Then I will be at work, then a party. And tomorrow, I work all day too. Monday might be hard but I start school on Tuesday. So in the end, maybe this is the best thing.

I feel so worthless for not havving lost any weight. I am not eating today. Tonight, I will log onto this account, and I will proudly post that piece of news. I can be skinny and beautiful. I will be. I need to be.

Thinspo ++++

Moderation

This is my second post of the day but I feel like it needs to be written. I have just gotten out of the bath. I have been in there for a good 45 minutes, reading Marya's book. It is addicting and beautiful, though sad that her disorder began so young. It seems disrespectful of me that she wrote such a book to help young teens, or anybody suffereing from an eating disorder, that I turn to this book as a help guid, a life line, thinspiration. Indeed, I must control my intake of this book as much as I control the calories that I put into my body. I feel that if I read this book slowly, and in portions no bigger than 75 pages a day, I can make it last longer, so that I can last longer. This is not the first book that I have gained insight or inspiration from though. There are other books and to be honest, they are not actually related to any eating disorder at all. A Great and Terrible Beauty is such a book. It's mesmerizing. It is possible that it is not the contents of the books that give me such strength. It could be that the object itself, the story that I immerge myself in, the characters that hold me captive. It could be those. It brings me to an alternate reality, where nothing is real. Yet I long for it to be such. I must sigh at the end of any good book because, well, the book is over, the journey, the adventure. Its done, its all over.

Back to reality, I have almost finished my second bottle of water out of my daily requirement of 3. My boyfriend and I will watch a movie later, with popcorn as I suggested. I even told him that I might just eat some. Thank God I came to my senses. I think I may just continue to enjoy the protests in my stomach just a little bit longer.

Systematic Approach

I think that I may finally get it. I have been reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. Its a memoir of anorexia and bulimia. She writes of a system that helps her eat just enough and never too much. I think I may try that. Sam told me that Adam is going to buy Wii Fit tonight. I plan on making use of that if it comes about. This morining, I ran for about 20 minutes with Michael. I burned close to 200 calories but I have since then consumed that and perhaps more. I ate a few orange slices for a breakfast(32)a fit and active snack from Aldi's(90)a sucker(60)a sugar daddy,(53)and I picked off of Sam and Michael's food from Taco Bell(70). That brings my total intake of calories to 305. That is pretty much disgusting and unaacceptable. Between walking through the mall and my run this morining, I maybe burned 352 calories. Which means only a 47 calorie deficit. I am thinking that I mus do something to offset this. I wish to continue reading that book so maybe I will just fidget. I would also like to watch that movie, The best little girl in the world.

Fuck My Life

Everything in my life seems to be going wrong. I just want to bury a hole, a thin line in the ground, just wide enough to bury myself in. I am losing hours at work due to a terrible game of favoritism. I have searched for a new job. I applied, and handed in resumes. I have e-mailed, called, and talked to people in person. I have asked connections and for prayer. I have done everything possible and am still stuck at the same, no money job. I have no more enthusiasm for anything else. I am mad at God. I asked him, begged him, to help me, to let me just please get this job. Did I? Of course not. Apparently, I am not good enough, for him or any other employer. I refuse to eat. I won't. Because then, maybe somebody will notice and they just might care. I am just wondering how I am expected to pay $330 a month when I don't even make that much? He is a cruel God. I will starve and he has to watch. I would much rather die, but before I do, at least I will be beautiful.

SleepyHead :: Passion Pit

i had a maximum of 130 calories yesterday because I couldn't resist the macaroni and cheese. This morning I indulged in some 90 calorie rice cake snacks. If worse comes to worse I believe I shall just make myself some sugar- free jello. I weighed myself this morning, with a tank top and jeans on. It tipped all the way to 95. It doesn't feel like I am losing any weight at all! I need to work harder. I will weigh in again tonight and I will also post a new picture under the before and after blog. In the first picture, I was 96 pounds so at least I lost something. But, I promise to try harder.

Empty and Pure

I knew that I could eventually do it. I know I have that kind of strength. Its this strength that got me so far. For the last few days, I just had too much food in my system. Every night I felt full. But, tonight, I have pure emptiness. Tonight, when I count the calories I have consumed for the day, I will take one deep breath in, and exhale nice and softly... 0

The journey is difficult but the results are worth it. Now for my reassurance, I will google exactly how many pounds I will lose on such a fast. Then, soon, I may just begin my own section off tips and tricks to help other girls.

Olsen Twins

Emmy Rossum

You don't fail until you quit

So I binged yesterday and rebegan again today. You don't fail until you quit and I refuse to quit. I am committed to updating several times a day so that I can hold myself accountable. It's almost 12pm and I have not eaten anything yet. Granted, I did just wake up. I have just started my first bottle of water for the day. I plan on going to the store in a little bit to buy a Brita water filter to refill all of my waterbottles to keep this new habit up. On the brightside, I managed to make breakfast, sccrambled eggs and hash browns, for my boyfriend and I didn't let a single dollop touch mym lips. I even avoided the strong scent of his cinnamon roll.

At 4:30, I have eaten a couple miny pancakes. I made them originally for my nephew but he decided that he no longer wanted. The smell was too mouth watering so I ate them. I also had a pear fruit cup earlier bringing my intake to 200 calories. My goal is to stay under 300 every day and hopefully avoid eating altogether. I want to lose weight FAST so for dinner I will only eat chicken broth. I just can't ever seem to do this right can I?

Before and Afters starring true Thinspirations

A New Begginning

It is January First 2010. The first day of a brand new year. I should have remembered that this morning before I nearly inhaled 7 cinnamon rolls. Almost 1000 calories!! How disgusting is that? I am behind on my water schedule, still on my first bottle. I should have been done with two by now! I weighed myself yesterday and the number was so high, it scared me. 96-96-96-96. I want to be 88 pounds before the end of January. I have never used a time limit on my goal but that was because I was scared of failing. I knew I might not make it that far that fast. If I strived for a solid number with out a restricting time limit, I knew I could never fail. But serious times call for serious measures. I go back to school January 19th. That is the exact day I want to be 88. I know it is possible, though difficult. Tonight, I may or may not go to Applebee's. It is all dependent on how much Michael makes in tips tonight. I swear now to whoever may read this and I swear to myself that I will not order anything other than grilled chicken or a salad. I promise. I will post some thinspo in my next blog and also a picture of me now, gross at 96 pounds. Then, after I lose a few pounds, I will post another one directly below it.