ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod

ohmyfuckinggodiate1590caloriestodayiate1590caloriestoday I ATE 1590 CALORIES TODAY I AM FUCKING GROSS WHAT DO I DO CULAVISTA PLEASE HAVE AN EXERCISE ROOM. OH MY FUCKING GOD. AND WHEN I AM DONE YELLING AT MYSELF I PLAN ON EATING ICE CREAM. I AM FUCKING GROSSSS!!!! I WILL NOT BE EATING WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, OR FRIDAY! MUST FAST!

BAD GIRL FAILURE FAT
NEVER EATING AT A RESTAURANT AGAIN
DAMN OLIVE GARDEN DAMN IT!

If I can't find a way, I'll make one

today i found a dozen of roses with a card on the back of my car with a card. It said "I am sorry for what I did." I can't really imagine he truly knows what it is he did to hurt me.

On a brighter note, I made $90 in tips today. Less happy, I most likely ate that amount or more in calories. I munched on 1 chocolate, 2 penne noodles, a few chips, and a few fries. Ugh, i can't believe I lost control like that. I need to shape up at work. Munching is unacceptable.

Do not be too disappointed at me. I plan on jogging in place for 15 minutes (which supposedly burns 107 calories? Doubtful) And do 30 squats. Then, I will lay down happily with HUNGER, the book i picked up from the library today. its good so far. tomorrow, nothing besides H2O is touching my lips. I am off work that day, so it should be simple. I am going to do a little shopping and that involves some walking so all in all, it should be a successful day.

Now, when should I weigh myself? I am scared to. I feel so fat and like I haven't lost any weight. The numbers scare me. I can't deny that there is no better time to weigh myself than the first of the year. Yes, that is what I will do and I promise you ladies I will be 97 pounds.

I was thinking that instead of a weight for an ultimate goal, I would do a BMI. Ultimately, I want to be 88 pounds. Thats for now though. Let's see how I look.

After all, I love baggy size zeros.

GOAL:
Fast Tuesday []
Drink 4 bottles of water []
Fast Wednesday []
Drink 5 bottles of water []

Strive for something better--strive for perfection

My second blog today-- not unusual for me. I was proud that I did not let a single morsel pass through my lips at work today, which sucked by the way. Work always sucks.

I drank to kids cups of water and two of diet pepsi with lemon. Really darlings, add a lemon to anything, it tastes wonderful! I am finishing a bottle of water now. When I got home, dinner was out. I didnt eat that, but I did have some dirt cake. Not much, but enough to make me feel guilty. I am hungry now, and tired. I am never tired before midnight so I know my body is weakened from the lack of food. The elation will follow soon.

Unfortunately, I made plans with a friend I normally do not talk to, or see, but we do need to have our mini christmas together and I suggested coffee, or lunch. Really, she is probably broke and I can convince her to just have it at her house. I feel better with that out of the way.

For a minute, I thought I might have to consume a few calories. I am going on a vaction January 4-6 and cannot wait. I want to be around 94 pounds by the time I leave. I am sure the hotel room is equipped with an exercise room and any unwanted and necessary calories consumed can be burned away. The hotel is all-inclusive.

Basically, I have consumed fewer than 100 calories today which I suppose is good. I was aiming for 000. Tomorrow morning, I am driving to the library to pick up my book, Hunger, by Jackie Kessler. It as an allegorical story about anorexia and I cannot wait to read it. And it always feels better reading thinspiring books like that on an empty stomach.

Good night ladies.
Stay strong.

Fuck the boyfriend--embrace Ana

I won't bore you by going into detail about the monstrosities in my life. It isn't glamorous and I am not one you'd want to idolize,except in my weight conquers. I am not here to complain about my life I am here to escape from it.

That's why I've created an alternate, more beautiful world for me to live in.

The holidays sucked and I wont wastw time heaping guilt onto myself. We all know whose fault it is. I can only pass over this part because I feel so committed to the future. I am not eating today, or tomorrow for that matter, and I don't work Tuesday so hell, I may not eat that day either.

I work today. Picked up a shift. I may as well have. Even though I work 6 days this week already. I serve in a restaurant and I'm around food all day. Sometimes it's difficult to avoid eating. Often times, I didn't care. But now I walk in there A.proud that I'm skinny and B. able to resist that food while all around me guests are eating like its their last supper.

I imagine I should be around 97-98 pounds on Wednesday. If their is one thing I have never been good at, it would be estimating the amount of weight I can lose within a specific time frame. I always guess high. Maybe that is hindering me in the long run.

Happy starving ladies! Enjoy your Sunday, which I know for many of you is a fasting day.
Xoxo

Wannarexics

I remember a time in fourth grade that we were all weighed during gym class. I weighed in around 64 pounds whicg was rather small looking back. I remember my friend weighed in a pound or two less. Again, in retrospect, the girl was taller. But the jealousy that coursed through me!

That is the earliest recollection I have of my weight consciousness. Throughout my middle school years, I never ate lunch. I was embarrassed about having a brown bag while everyone bought there food, yet I do not remember the slightest inclination to eat their food. I remember the gloating I could do while they inhaled their food and knowing I would not eat for another few hours. The power I had!

I have always been the skinny one, the toothpick, the one everyone wished ate more.

I remember while I was a freshman in high-school, 15 years old, and I decided point blank that I would not eat ever again. And since then I've battled my way down from 98-93 and back up again. Disgustingly, I am at a high of 99 but I don't expect that number to reign supreme. I plateaued 1 pound away from my goal of 92 and relapsed from there. I have never out grown my 00-0 jeans but then again I do not wish to. How I live is my choice. How you perceive me is yours. I cannot bother myself with trifling name calling of "wannarexics." That term has not been aimed towards me at any given time but it is impolite to aim at anyone else all the same.

I do not have a problem. I am merely seeking a temporary means to a permanent solution. I have desires and aspirations. Who are you to tell me otherwise?
Much love beauties
Xoxo